Old Crow

We went to an area in Wisconsin that has open water all year long. During the winter, this part of the river won't freeze over due to the working dam.  Right about this time of year, when pickin's are slim, eagles tend to congregate in this area.  We saw quite a few eagles today - even some within photoshot distance, however, we didn't get too many of the eagles - they are so shy. This one is the best I got today - and that isn't sayin' much.

The best shot of the day was of a crow. He was watching me take photos of him!

He moved around to the other side of the tree and turned and watched me!

You Should Smell This!

This is my frosting.

My frosting is not legendary, but it is very delish!  If you'd like the secret recipe, please private message me!

This is a frosted cookie. However, do not let cookie get caught in the racking like I did!

I found two of these cooling racks at GoodWill for $.99 each!  They are way more expensive than that new in a store. Gotta love GoodWill!

My frosted cookies with Hubby in the background!

I like my cookies simple. In fact, I don't normally roll out cookies for cutters - I'm too lazy. But since it was an Anniversary weekend and I'm all in love and junk, I thought I'd make some heart shaped ones!  Then I got my lazy-self back on and the rest were flattened circles.  I don't even bother with  food coloring!  Maybe sprinkles if I'm right there by the frig, but otherwise - the cookies are white, plain, but so delish!!

Happiness Causing Pain

In my "Anniversary happiness", I have caused another one pain. I did not intend for that to happen, but it did happen.  In my sharing of joy, another was faced with the realization of heartache. It was like salt in a wound.  I had placed a link to my Anniversary post on my facebook page, but I have since removed that link.  The happiness of others, while you, yourself are in the middle of heartache, is just to painful to see.  I care very deeply for my friends and causing them further pain is not on my agenda.  I'd rather keep silent and share my joy within the walls of my home. I'd rather silently share my joy with my husband and children.

I can totally relate and I harbor no ill feelings.  I'd rather remove something than to make a dear one suffer silently every time it is seen.  The way I can relate, is through the joy of pregnancy.  I have not been able to conceive for over 14 years.  While others have had child after child, my womb has remained closed.  For many years I felt like Hannah from the Old Testament - 1 Samuel.  Hannah desperately wanted a child, but could not have one.  She was tormented by others because of her barrenness.  In my own modern world I wasn't tormented or made to feel useless like an Old Testament Hebrew woman would have been made to feel, however, I was constantly asked if I was going to have another child.  When it was obvious that other children were not forthcoming, it was assumed that I was a "modern" woman and that I ONLY wanted 2 children.  When that last bit was suggested to me, I wanted to spit in the face of the woman that suggested it.

Hannah, from the Book of 1 Samuel, even went so far as to promise her child to the Lord.  I did not go that route, but I took leave from that scripture and tried to promise God that I would do all I could to raise my next child in His ways.  Nevertheless, another child never came.  I feel that I felt just as much sadness as Hannah did. I poured out my heart to God and every month I laid my hope in His promises that the desires of my heart would be met if I was sincere.  Month after month I began to doubt my own belief and sincerity.  I began to think that I was not a good enough mother to the 2 children that I did give birth to. Sometimes I still feel that way.  I wanted lots of children, but hubby and I agreed that we'd shoot for 3. I had 3, but a twin died in utero.

I have not changed my pleas with the Lord for another child. I still desire another child, however, now I pray, "Only if you know I can handle it Lord."  Apparently, I'd go insane with another child because the Lord has still not blessed me with another child.  Sometimes I feel my sin is too great and I don't deserve another child, but that doesn't come from the Lord, that comes from the enemy.

It used to be that I couldn't bear to listen to the joys of an expectant mother; nor could I enjoy the sight of a newborn baby or that of a nursing mother.  I was in too much inner turmoil.  I was angry, very angry.  Why is it that women that do NOT want a child can conceive and give birth?  It is a question that I scream inside my head.  However, all of that anger and turmoil can cause me (and I'm only discussing myself here - no one else!) to become bitter.   I do not want to become a bitter woman.  It wasn't like a switch that I could turn off or on, but it was a prayer more deeply seeded than my prayers for more children - Lord, do not let become a bitter Mara.

I do know, all too well, how the happiness of others can cause pain.  I tread carefully.  It can be weight-loss, pregnancy, a pay raise, a new house, a great boss, anything! I now look for and seek out the blessing for those exclamations of happiness from other human beings.  There is enough pain and suffering in our world and lives - I need to actively seek out joy. It's just so much better that way.

A Happy Anniversary - He Stayed By My Side

It is 21 years - and counting!

We've been dating since our Junior year of high school, however, I've loved him since 1982.  I met Matt on the playground at Jefferson school.  I was the new girl with a terrible afro haircut, beginning at the very end of the year - only 2 months to go until summer release. One day I went home and told my Mom that I found the man I was going to marry.  She replied, "The man, huh?"  I said, "Yup."  She asked me who and I told her it was Matt.  She was probably all worried that I was in love with the janitor; or that I had a crush on a teacher.

In high school EVERYONE knew I was in love with Matt! I DO mean EVERYONE! Other girls liked Matt too, but I stared them down!! They stayed away.  However, it took Matt a lot longer to realize that he liked me - I don't know WHY!! I was so obvious about it. His name was on every notebook and book cover - even written in ink on my NIKE shoes!  Creepy little girl that I was, can you stalker behavior??! When we got to 7th & 8th grade, I'd call his house to ask  him if he would be going to the school dance(s). Not even asking him if he would go WITH me, but was he going AT ALL.  Well, he didn't go and I ended up getting a kiss from a cute guy in a gorilla costume!  The worst case was when Gordy just wouldn't leave me alone - I swear that boy had the body of an octupus - 8 arms all over me! It was a challenge! One time, for a Homecoming, I asked him if he would just meet me at the school.  He said YES!!! Oh my gosh! I was a nervous wreck all night.  I say "all night", because Matt NEVER showed up!!!  He said he was in the parking lot all night, too scared to come in.  WHATEVER!!! I was stuck going 'round and round' with a guy that only wanted to get in my pants all night!  I TOTALLY let Matt know how upset I was and what I had to deal with all night long.  I don't know if he felt bad or thought it was funny, but he did say he was truly sorry.  I didn't talk to him for a long time after that.  However, finally, in our Junior year, at a basketball game, he asked me if I wanted his ring.  I was sitting with my bestie - Renae.  Matt was sitting behind Renae and I, with Greg.  When Matt asked if I wanted his ring, I was stunned! Shocked. I couldn't speak!  I turned in my seat and probably did something really stupid like GIGGLE (horrors!!), but when I heard him say to Greg, "See, she doesn't want it."  I spun around in my seat and said, "Give me that! Of course I want it!"

Up until this time another friend of mine was trying to constantly find me "A Guy"  she would introduce me to them and then later I'd say, "He's cute, but he's not my type."  Again and again, my standard answer for every guy in my life was, "He's cute, but he's not my type."  Finally, after all those years of trying, Cheryl asked me in desperation, "What IS your type?!"  I answered, "Matt."  There were even times when Cheryl told guys, "She'll think you are cute, but you aren't her type."  I'd go out with them for the evening and we'd have fun, but rarely did they get more than one date with me.  They were all very cute (HOT even!! Cheryl really did find the hotties! Woowee!), but, so very NOT my type.

Matt was a breath of fresh air for me.  I liked him all along, but he wasn't ready.  I can't blame him, I was a mess!!!  Obviously, I had dated a few other  questionable guys that wanted nothing more than to "get in my pants."  Two of them didn't want me at all - they only dated me to get closer to a friend of mine.  TWICE!!! Another guy kissed like a fish - I needed a towel when he was done kissing me.  Another guy had braces and really hurt my mouth when he kissed me.  There was the guy that my under-cover detective Step-Dad was following while we were out because that guy would do drug deals when I'd go to the bathroom!!  Said guy also had quite a few other girlfriends in other school districts.  There was the older brother of another friend - that was too weird.  I think I even went out to eat with Renae's brother, but that was too weird also - too close of friends.  Someone had a cousin; someone else had a son - was Tyra interested? No, not, really.  Only one time did Matt tell me to stay away from a guy I was dating... he asked me what I was doing with him.  I got really upset with Matt and told him that since he was clearly not interested in dating me that he should mind his own business - and I stomped away.

Finally, all the other guys filtered out of my life. It was just "Me, Myself and I" trying to find myself in the middle of the chaos called high school.  I was in a dysfunctional home. I was battling endometriosis, severe depression, suicide, crooked hips that were quite painful at times, an eating disorder, self-esteem issues, AODA meetings, meetings with guidance counselors, psychiatric counselors & social workers and repressed memories from sexual abuse, all while trying to get decent grades!  

Then there was Matt.  After that basketball game, it took Matt 4 months to kiss me or hold my hand. A guy (C.K.) that wanted to date me, gave me grief EVERYDAY about Matt not holding my hand or kissing me.  C.K. would even walk up behind me to try to get my hand into his.   He'd meet up with me in quite hallways trying to get me to kiss him. He was really very sweet about it all. C.K. was very nice - even cute! My Step-dad really liked him too, but... he wasn't my type.  I tried to hide it all from Matt and I told C.K. that it was alright with me that Matt didn't push our relationship further.  C.K. finally took the hint and left me alone.    Matt knew I had been hurt by other guys, but didn't know any details. He just knew it wasn't good.  He was quite content to just hold my hand and I was quite relaxed with him not asking me for anything more than that.  Matt never wanted to hurt me.

All these years later, I can honestly say that Matt has never hurt me.  He has always been there for me - thru all of my sickness ~ which is far more common than the health part of those vows.  He stays by my side when I know that any of those other yahoos would have left.  He stays by my side when we have to revert to those days of hand holding and cuddles only because I'm in too much pain.

I still find myself looking at him and thinking, "Wow. I can't believe I'm married to Matt."  There are also the times when we both look in the mirror and think, "Who is this person?  Where is my childhood sweetheart thru the gray hair and voluptuous figure?"  and then we remember. Then we see thru the years of living and see the person through a laugh or an old joke.

It all comes back to me and I find myself still in love with him.

When Nature Trusts You

Pic from thebubbler.com

A friend posted that she liked the sound of the wings of geese as they fly overhead: "The sound of geese wings shush-shushing as they fly overhead."

I love that sound! I love that they are that close to me when they are flying overhead. They get quiet and stop 'talking'. As if I'm exuding an aura of peace/calm and they know or trust that they can keep flying over me; that they don't have to veer off to be safe.

When I was younger, my mother and I lived in the country. I had a dog named Sarge.  Sarge was Springer Spaniel, a bird dog. He was supposed to be a hunter, however, a farmer took a pop-shot at his ass-end one day and that was the end of Sarge's hunting career.  He was now my best-buddy, no longer a hunter.  Sarge was great! I'd sneak him into the house late at night through the back door.  He would immediately go to my room and jump onto the foot end of my bed. We'd go everywhere on the farm together, getting completely full of mud at times.  He would also sleep on top of his house like Snoopy.

One night, in the autumn, Sarge and I walked out to get the mail. It must have been about 9:00 p.m. or so.  I remember it being warm, but I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  Sarge was my buddy and would go with me around the farm at night. I was a bit scared of the dark, but with Sarge by my side I was alright to go anywhere on the farm. On this particular night, Sarge and I were getting the mail in. On the walk back to the house we could hear the geese flying overhead.  Sarge gave a tiny and quiet "wuff", I shushed him so he wouldn't scare the geese flying overhead.  

It was fun to hear the wild geese fly over the farm.  We had 8 clipped geese on the farm.  By clipped, I mean that their wings were clipped. For some reason - probably injuries - we ended up keeping them in an open pen.  Their pen was about 30 x 50 with a big cement pond in the middle.  These geese were far better guard 'dogs' than any german shepherd we ever had!  Their honking would wake up our country neighbors!  When the wild and free geese flew overhead, sometimes they would land inside the open pen.  Some would stay for a while and some would leave.  Our geese were very good hosts.  However, it was when the wild and free geese would fly overhead and NOT stop to visit that our geese would go crazy in their honking.

Back to my story, on this night, I shushed Sarge.  Kneeling down to his level, putting my arm around his warm soft brunette coat, I then tipped my flashlight into the night sky.  The shaft of light illuminating black outlines of the flyers above.  The geese immediately stopped their 'talking', but we could still hear their wings overhead. I swear they were so low that they were under the black walnut trees' canopies.  Our clipped geese were already roosting for the night and didn't waken. It was just Sarge and I sharing a quiet moment.

Flyers and Bird Dog trusting me enough to keep going quietly.

When A Son is Forgotten

One of my sons is involved with the Worship group at a church we attend.  (At one point both sons were involved, but that's another story on how we are down to one.)  Usually practice is on Thursday evenings.  Since said son does not have a driver's license, my oldest son takes him.  While the musician is at practice, my oldest does errands in that area, thus combining multiple trips into one.  Everything is about combining nearby errands to conserve on our gas budget.

Sons leave for practice and errands.  That evening I receive a phone call at work... no one is showing up for practice; what should they do?  I tell them to wait 10-15 more minutes, if no one shows up then, they should just do errands and come home.  I also tell them to text everyone and see what is going on.

A second telephone call to me at work reveals that practice was changed to Saturday.  A few, "I'm sorry, I didn't know to call you." statements were made and home they went.

Now everyone in my house is upset. How can it not be known to call everyone involved on the 'team'?  How can it not be known to inform the bass player?  It is frustrating for so many reasons, one being that we simply cannot afford to make an additional trip.  It isn't that we are busy or that it too short of notice.  We want to do as much as we can so that he can be a part of the Worship team.  We want to encourage his love of music - his desire to play.  However, we cannot afford the extra gas.  Had we known ahead of time errands would have been arranged to fit the practice schedule and everything would have been fine.

I don't feel that the apology made was heartfelt.  Rude is a word I'd like to use, but I'm not sure where to put it.  I have nothing nice to say for the person leading worship this week, therefore, I shall say nothing about that person at all.  My son is feeling hurt and anger.  Anger because he thought he was part of the 'team', but it consistently seems that he (and his brother) are not considered as part of the 'team'.  Hurt because.... he thought he was part of the 'team'.

As a mother, I want nothing more than to give that person a piece of my mind.  As a mother to a young man, I have to sit back and let my young man handle things in his own manner.  His manner being so much more kind and patient than my own.  I want to respond with behavior that is rude and unbecoming to the woman I want to be.  My young men teach me many things; this time I am being taught to hold my tongue.

Proverbs 10:19

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁹ In the multitude of words sin is not lacking,
      But he who restrains his lips is wise.

 ~~~~

James 3:1-12

New International Version (NIV)

James 3

Taming the Tongue

 ¹ Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ² We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.  ³ When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
 ⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
 ⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Lunch at Work

I'm at work today, so I had the chance to "brown-bag it". I'm enjoying a spinach salad with green olives and cottage cheese. When hubby helps pack my lunch I usually have way too much to eat.  Today he put half a bag of spinach leaves in my bag, along with some hummus, a thermos of hot filtered water, a coconut water, a thermos of cold filtered water and I grabbed some chocolate and my jar of coconut oil for my hot tea.  It's a long day and he doesn't want me to go hungry or thirsty apparently.  I also have snacks in my locker - I have peanuts, tea, tortilla chips and chocolate.  I also have a jar of salsa in the breakroom frig.  No going hungry for me!

So, here I sit, in the back where it's all quiet and cozy and I'm listening to the music that I have broadcasting on my blog. Right now, Sting is on singing about summer.

One of my co-workers just came back to tell me that my timing is good... a cantankerous patron is up front!  hahahaha - I did give her the option to go on break before me, but she declined saying I was here first and should therefore go on break first.

Time to go enjoy my hummus!