Happiness Causing Pain

In my "Anniversary happiness", I have caused another one pain. I did not intend for that to happen, but it did happen.  In my sharing of joy, another was faced with the realization of heartache. It was like salt in a wound.  I had placed a link to my Anniversary post on my facebook page, but I have since removed that link.  The happiness of others, while you, yourself are in the middle of heartache, is just to painful to see.  I care very deeply for my friends and causing them further pain is not on my agenda.  I'd rather keep silent and share my joy within the walls of my home. I'd rather silently share my joy with my husband and children.

I can totally relate and I harbor no ill feelings.  I'd rather remove something than to make a dear one suffer silently every time it is seen.  The way I can relate, is through the joy of pregnancy.  I have not been able to conceive for over 14 years.  While others have had child after child, my womb has remained closed.  For many years I felt like Hannah from the Old Testament - 1 Samuel.  Hannah desperately wanted a child, but could not have one.  She was tormented by others because of her barrenness.  In my own modern world I wasn't tormented or made to feel useless like an Old Testament Hebrew woman would have been made to feel, however, I was constantly asked if I was going to have another child.  When it was obvious that other children were not forthcoming, it was assumed that I was a "modern" woman and that I ONLY wanted 2 children.  When that last bit was suggested to me, I wanted to spit in the face of the woman that suggested it.

Hannah, from the Book of 1 Samuel, even went so far as to promise her child to the Lord.  I did not go that route, but I took leave from that scripture and tried to promise God that I would do all I could to raise my next child in His ways.  Nevertheless, another child never came.  I feel that I felt just as much sadness as Hannah did. I poured out my heart to God and every month I laid my hope in His promises that the desires of my heart would be met if I was sincere.  Month after month I began to doubt my own belief and sincerity.  I began to think that I was not a good enough mother to the 2 children that I did give birth to. Sometimes I still feel that way.  I wanted lots of children, but hubby and I agreed that we'd shoot for 3. I had 3, but a twin died in utero.

I have not changed my pleas with the Lord for another child. I still desire another child, however, now I pray, "Only if you know I can handle it Lord."  Apparently, I'd go insane with another child because the Lord has still not blessed me with another child.  Sometimes I feel my sin is too great and I don't deserve another child, but that doesn't come from the Lord, that comes from the enemy.

It used to be that I couldn't bear to listen to the joys of an expectant mother; nor could I enjoy the sight of a newborn baby or that of a nursing mother.  I was in too much inner turmoil.  I was angry, very angry.  Why is it that women that do NOT want a child can conceive and give birth?  It is a question that I scream inside my head.  However, all of that anger and turmoil can cause me (and I'm only discussing myself here - no one else!) to become bitter.   I do not want to become a bitter woman.  It wasn't like a switch that I could turn off or on, but it was a prayer more deeply seeded than my prayers for more children - Lord, do not let become a bitter Mara.

I do know, all too well, how the happiness of others can cause pain.  I tread carefully.  It can be weight-loss, pregnancy, a pay raise, a new house, a great boss, anything! I now look for and seek out the blessing for those exclamations of happiness from other human beings.  There is enough pain and suffering in our world and lives - I need to actively seek out joy. It's just so much better that way.