Heaven-Lei Islands of Peace

Our Spiritual Journey Raises Questions

2012-02-09T20:42:00.000-06:00

We are delving deeper into our spiritual journey. We have decided that Christmas and Easter are not for us due to the pagan roots of those two days AND due to the Old Testament ways of celebrating the Festivals/Feasts as listed in the Bible.

First son has posted several different things that he has learned and is interested in sharing. I told them both that they need to be prepared for the questions of others - along with the scrutiny.

Second Son posted on Fb:

People want to know, here is what I am dealing with.

So I recently watched ~The Star of Bethlehem~ and several devotions from Jim Staley...I am starting to pick apart the Bible more, looking for verses that will help me out. Now don't get me wrong, I still believe in God, and he still has my heart, but I want to find out more.

The Ancient Vatican...I have lost all respect for them, due to their buildings, symbols and pictures being tainted by pagan symbols. They are the most powerful religion on the planet, and they don't know that? St. Peters Square has an Obelisk in the dead center. An Obelisk is a symbol of a pagan god. What's with that?

I've had to many thoughts to write down on facebook, but this is just to let people know that I am changing my beliefs, but I'm not changing God.

Sombra - Amen and Amen! Walk tall young man, and keep your eyes up and follow HIM!

Lynn - Isn't the Star of Bethlehem a great DVD?

Husband - You know you have my support. Love you.

Pastor friend - Define what you mean by changing "my beliefs". Religion has many flaws in it, but true religion is worshipping God in spirit and in truth. I would like for you to elaborate on changing beliefs though.

Make sure that you also get a broad perspective of these points not just from one source or author's perspective.

Sombra - How about getting his perspective from scripture.. ... not from any teacher.. Read the words, he said "I am starting to pick apart the Bible more, looking for verses that will help me out. Now don't get me wrong, I still believe in God, and he still has my heart, but I want to find out more. "

Sounds to me like he's going to the RIGHT source!

Pastor - Prior to that comment was the one about a number of devotions by Jim Staley. That was the perspective I was talking about.

Son - I've actually talked to a few people and asked them questions, backed it up with the Bible, and I've prayed on pretty much everything I've researched.

Sombra - How is listening to a few Jim Staley messages any different than listening to Sunday sermons and Sunday school for the last 17 years? The point is we all need inspiration, and that's what teachers are for, so that we can take that inspiring message and compare it to scripture and find out if the fruit of the message is good or bad fruit.

Tradition,culture, religion, they are not bad things, they are the routine of life, but if a tradition contradicts the word of God, we must choose to step away from that tradition and choose to walk in righteousness. Only when a tradition upholds the word of YHVH should we partake of that tradition. But the only way we can measure traditions, or inspiring messages... Is by studying the Word. We can not rely on feelings or our eyes. Numbers 15 says. And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the LORD, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after. Yes, we need reminder and object lessons and parables.... But it all must line up with scripture... Or we will be whoring after the wrong thing.

After reading an email to my son, from the Pastor, I decided that enough was enough. I wrote:

Me - Okay, I've had enough of this!

What I would like to know is why my children, whom are following the lead of their parents are being questioned in private messages, WITHOUT the head of my household (Matt) being questioned first? It is totally acceptable to ask my sons about their faith, but from a conservative stand point, the father should be questioned first or at least at the same time.

I have said it again and again and so have my sons: We are Followers of Christ that are studying the Torah. We still believe in Christ as the Messiah. We still believe in the Bible.

If the Bible is the same as it was yesterday, and today and tomorrow -- if the Bible is just as relevant today as it was when it was written, then why can't we follow it's writings -as best as we can at this point in our journey - and NOT celebrate Christmas and Easter.

In the Old Testament times the Bible talks about Ashtoreth and Baal worship in I Kings 11:5-6, "For Solomon went after Ashtoreth [Easter in english] the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. And Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father." Ashtoreth is the mother of Baal. The short form is Ashtar or Ishtar and the English form of the word is "EASTER". Easter is nothing other than the mother of Baal and the celebration or worship of Ashtoreth is forbidden in the Old Testament Scriptures. Look at the Scriptures in Judges 2:13-14, "And they forsook the LORD, and served Baal and Ashtoroth. And the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel…" Easter is Ashtoreth!

Also, we are not ONE SIDED in our studies! We have been following everything that our churches have told us for years! We have finally begun to study OTHER perspectives, teachings, people, teachers, studies, web-sites, Bibles and books. We have asked many people what and why they study. If you haven't been asked directly, it's because we already know WHAT you are studying! It isn't personal!

There is no doubt. There is no shame. There is only our eyes being opened to the truth!

The people that we confer with are DEFINITELY followers of CHRIST JESUS. They are not of the old and stereotyped Jewish people that don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah! They are believers of Jesus as the Messiah that have also realized that they need to be following the Torah and all it says. There are many MANY MANY Jewish people that have learned the truth of Jesus as Messiah and have embraced a life with Him - while still following the Torah.

Why would we NOT follow the commandments of the Old Testament? IF the Bible is truth - If the Bible is the same as it was yesterday and today and tomorrow - why are we not following and doing as it says?

If some of you are not comfortable with writing out your thoughts then I URGE you to also contact my husband directly. I am very proud of my sons for standing up for what they believe in. They have demonstrated their faith in ways that I've never had to and they have done so with grace.

Their faith is strong and NONE of you have anything to concern yourself with. I take it personally that you think my sons are falling away from their faith - especially in light of their faith being made stronger thru the studies that we have done as a family.

I guess my biggest frustration with all of this is that the Pastor approached both of my sons, but not my husband or even myself. Maybe I took it too personally, but it IS personal! The email asked why follow/study something that doesn't believe in Jesus as the Messiah? I was totally offended by the question. For me - it was a slap in the face, since we do heartily believe.

My Guitar

2012-02-06T13:51:00.000-06:00

I was tuning my guitars today. My first guitar is just a tiny little thing. She's tiny and in superior condition. I had loosened her new strings so they wouldn't dry out and snap when not in use. She was way out of tune. My second guitar is also an acoustic, but with an amp plug-in. She's pretty. Her color is all creamy with a mother-of-pearl inlay design. I made her a strap made of blue jean material and I hung sea shells on it.

I was tuning today with my youngest son and it was great fun. He wants to practice with me some more. My finger tips were black with tarnish and finally very sore! I hope I can play tomorrow.

It's been a long time since I held my baby guitar in my arms and she felt kinda good being there. I teased my son a bit - he was told to name his guitar, but to give it a girl name, because it's just wrong for a guy to hold another guy. So, when I was holding my guitar and calling her a she, I said, "It's okay that I have a girl guitar, because it's okay for girls to hold girls." His reply, "Aww, Mom!! That's nasty!"

hee hee!!!

No Pain Meds Today!

2012-02-01T21:11:00.000-06:00

I'm celebrating with a jar of peanut butter, chocolate, pillows and a good book! Oh, and a CD also!

The Flare Up has Died

2012-01-31T21:09:00.000-06:00

My fibromyalgia flare up as calmed down quite a bit. I've been very careful yesterday and today to not ingest any gluten - drink lots of fluids and to rest. I also ate the chocolate that I wanted to!

When I'm in the throes of a flare up, it feels like it will never end. I know it will, but it's kinda overwhelming. I'm glad I'm on the way out of it!

Kiss My.... Not G-rated...

2012-01-30T22:07:00.001-06:00

Crazy Woman

2012-01-30T22:06:00.000-06:00

Cartoon of me - except I don't smoke!

I'm feeling all crazy lately!

You Can Smile...

2012-01-30T21:22:00.000-06:00

I went to work today after a weekend of Sat. & Sun. being intense pain days. I was glad to go to work, although I felt exhausted from the weekend. Even though I wasn't my normal bubbly self, I was - or so I thought - still pleasant. Quiet, but pleasant. I tried to not whine or express any signs of pain.

I was concentrating on the task at hand when my boss arrived on the scene. He was with the Assistant Director and they were talking about something. Not wanting to interrupt, I just let them be and went about my task - concentrating on what I was doing. I hadn't yet said "Hello" to my boss, but, like I said, he was already talking with someone else and I wasn't going to interrupt. He stops his conversation and says, "Hello, ** You can smile ya' know." I stopped what I was doing and when I looked up I gave him the best smile my tired, exhausted self could give and said, "Hello" - and then everyone went back to work.

It was probably just purely coincidental - purely innocent on my boss's part. I probably looked normal. Also, if he ever found out that I felt this way, he'd probably feel horrible himself! However, that simple little comment sent me reeling! Now, either I looked just terrible - or my concentration face looks terrible - or trying to mind my own business and not be nosy looks terrible. I don't know, but geez! I had self-esteem issues all night after that! I was all worried that I was a whiner, a chronic complainer, a drama queen, that I looked terrible in my appearance - all night long for my whole shift.

To add to that, my co-worker asked how my weekend was. No problem with her asking - it was just that I didn't have a pain free weekend and wanted to try to explain that in the most cheerful way possible. I tried to be upbeat and say that it was a good weekend even though I was in loads of pain for 2 days. I explained that it was new pain for me, as I had not experienced such stiffness in my limbs before. Then I focused more on the great movies we saw and that they were books, blah blah blah...

I tried to be upbeat, helpful and "on my game" all night, but I don't think I succeeded. Is this what life with chronic pain will be like? Trying to hide the truth so the people around me don't get sick of me? Are they already sick of me complaining?

I don't need any sunshine shoved up my ass. I'm not fishin' for compliments. I'm just wondering out loud if this is how it is for other people with chronic pain.

You Are The Sunny Side of FIbroHaven!

2012-01-30T21:03:00.000-06:00

You Are The Sunny Side of FIbroHaven!

I found this at the above site. I have no creative claim to it at all. I just like it. I reminds me to find cheer and happiness in everything.

The Optimists Creed

Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

~Christian D. Larson

Waking Up With...

2012-01-29T11:11:00.000-06:00

I woke up with pain this morning. I had a good night's rest, but I still woke up in pain. Today, it's my left shoulder area that is angry with me.

Yesterday was a day with a smattering of pain here and a smattering there. Waves of pain crashing in on my day. At one point I was just stiff and decided to sleep.

I don't know what I did, but i hope it goes away.

When I Need Help

2012-01-28T19:02:00.000-06:00

When I need help, I don't always ask for it. For instance, I am determined to climb up those stairs by myself. My body was working just this morning, I should be able to still do that simple activity tonight. Not really...

I don't ask for help when I need just a little bit of help. I can muscle my way through many activities, however, there are a few times when I can't. I asked for help once, in a very big way. I asked a dear friend to ask some of our mutual friends if they could help me with meals and two specific cleaning tasks. When she called our mutual friends everyone was astounded that I asked for help. They all jumped at the chance. I had never asked for help before. I felt so loved. It was wonderful.

I tell my dear friends, "When I need help, really need help, I will ask for it." I am always offering to help friends with little things and big things. I even offer the assistance of my friends to help each other - whether or not they even know each other! Now most of friends all know one another!

This weekend though, the help I need is simply that of my husband walking behind me as I climb our stairs. I'm afraid that if he isn't behind me, I may go tumbling back down. I may just need to sleep downstairs tonight. My fibromyalgia is not being very kind to me and everything hurts. I must say that I think this pain coincides with an abundance of sugary wheat (gluten) treats for the special weekend. The last time I hurt this bad was with an abundance of sugary holiday treats. I wonder if there is a connection, maybe some research and questions are in my near future.

Old Crow

2012-01-27T20:04:00.000-06:00

We went to an area in Wisconsin that has open water all year long. During the winter, this part of the river won't freeze over due to the working dam. Right about this time of year, when pickin's are slim, eagles tend to congregate in this area. We saw quite a few eagles today - even some within photoshot distance, however, we didn't get too many of the eagles - they are so shy. This one is the best I got today - and that isn't sayin' much.

The best shot of the day was of a crow. He was watching me take photos of him!

He moved around to the other side of the tree and turned and watched me!

You Should Smell This!

2012-01-27T19:52:00.000-06:00


This is my frosting.

My frosting is not legendary, but it is very delish! If you'd like the secret recipe, please private message me!


This is a frosted cookie. However, do not let cookie get caught in the racking like I did!

I found two of these cooling racks at GoodWill for $.99 each! They are way more expensive than that new in a store. Gotta love GoodWill!

My frosted cookies with Hubby in the background!

I like my cookies simple. In fact, I don't normally roll out cookies for cutters - I'm too lazy. But since it was an Anniversary weekend and I'm all in love and junk, I thought I'd make some heart shaped ones! Then I got my lazy-self back on and the rest were flattened circles. I don't even bother with food coloring! Maybe sprinkles if I'm right there by the frig, but otherwise - the cookies are white, plain, but so delish!!

Happiness Causing Pain

2012-01-27T19:04:00.000-06:00

In my "Anniversary happiness", I have caused another one pain. I did not intend for that to happen, but it did happen. In my sharing of joy, another was faced with the realization of heartache. It was like salt in a wound. I had placed a link to my Anniversary post on my facebook page, but I have since removed that link. The happiness of others, while you, yourself are in the middle of heartache, is just to painful to see. I care very deeply for my friends and causing them further pain is not on my agenda. I'd rather keep silent and share my joy within the walls of my home. I'd rather silently share my joy with my husband and children.

I can totally relate and I harbor no ill feelings. I'd rather remove something than to make a dear one suffer silently every time it is seen. The way I can relate, is through the joy of pregnancy. I have not been able to conceive for over 14 years. While others have had child after child, my womb has remained closed. For many years I felt like Hannah from the Old Testament - 1 Samuel. Hannah desperately wanted a child, but could not have one. She was tormented by others because of her barrenness. In my own modern world I wasn't tormented or made to feel useless like an Old Testament Hebrew woman would have been made to feel, however, I was constantly asked if I was going to have another child. When it was obvious that other children were not forthcoming, it was assumed that I was a "modern" woman and that I ONLY wanted 2 children. When that last bit was suggested to me, I wanted to spit in the face of the woman that suggested it.

Hannah, from the Book of 1 Samuel, even went so far as to promise her child to the Lord. I did not go that route, but I took leave from that scripture and tried to promise God that I would do all I could to raise my next child in His ways. Nevertheless, another child never came. I feel that I felt just as much sadness as Hannah did. I poured out my heart to God and every month I laid my hope in His promises that the desires of my heart would be met if I was sincere. Month after month I began to doubt my own belief and sincerity. I began to think that I was not a good enough mother to the 2 children that I did give birth to. Sometimes I still feel that way. I wanted lots of children, but hubby and I agreed that we'd shoot for 3. I had 3, but a twin died in utero.

I have not changed my pleas with the Lord for another child. I still desire another child, however, now I pray, "Only if you know I can handle it Lord." Apparently, I'd go insane with another child because the Lord has still not blessed me with another child. Sometimes I feel my sin is too great and I don't deserve another child, but that doesn't come from the Lord, that comes from the enemy.

It used to be that I couldn't bear to listen to the joys of an expectant mother; nor could I enjoy the sight of a newborn baby or that of a nursing mother. I was in too much inner turmoil. I was angry, very angry. Why is it that women that do NOT want a child can conceive and give birth? It is a question that I scream inside my head. However, all of that anger and turmoil can cause me (and I'm only discussing myself here - no one else!) to become bitter. I do not want to become a bitter woman. It wasn't like a switch that I could turn off or on, but it was a prayer more deeply seeded than my prayers for more children - Lord, do not let become a bitter Mara.

I do know, all too well, how the happiness of others can cause pain. I tread carefully. It can be weight-loss, pregnancy, a pay raise, a new house, a great boss, anything! I now look for and seek out the blessing for those exclamations of happiness from other human beings. There is enough pain and suffering in our world and lives - I need to actively seek out joy. It's just so much better that way.

A Happy Anniversary - He Stayed By My Side

2012-01-26T19:07:00.000-06:00

It is 21 years - and counting!

We've been dating since our Junior year of high school, however, I've loved him since 1982. I met Matt on the playground at Jefferson school. I was the new girl with a terrible afro haircut, beginning at the very end of the year - only 2 months to go until summer release. One day I went home and told my Mom that I found the man I was going to marry. She replied, "The man, huh?" I said, "Yup." She asked me who and I told her it was Matt. She was probably all worried that I was in love with the janitor; or that I had a crush on a teacher.

In high school EVERYONE knew I was in love with Matt! I DO mean EVERYONE! Other girls liked Matt too, but I stared them down!! They stayed away. However, it took Matt a lot longer to realize that he liked me - I don't know WHY!! I was so obvious about it. His name was on every notebook and book cover - even written in ink on my NIKE shoes! Creepy little girl that I was, can you stalker behavior??! When we got to 7th & 8th grade, I'd call his house to ask him if he would be going to the school dance(s). Not even asking him if he would go WITH me, but was he going AT ALL. Well, he didn't go and I ended up getting a kiss from a cute guy in a gorilla costume! The worst case was when Gordy just wouldn't leave me alone - I swear that boy had the body of an octupus - 8 arms all over me! It was a challenge! One time, for a Homecoming, I asked him if he would just meet me at the school. He said YES!!! Oh my gosh! I was a nervous wreck all night. I say "all night", because Matt NEVER showed up!!! He said he was in the parking lot all night, too scared to come in. WHATEVER!!! I was stuck going 'round and round' with a guy that only wanted to get in my pants all night! I TOTALLY let Matt know how upset I was and what I had to deal with all night long. I don't know if he felt bad or thought it was funny, but he did say he was truly sorry. I didn't talk to him for a long time after that. However, finally, in our Junior year, at a basketball game, he asked me if I wanted his ring. I was sitting with my bestie - Renae. Matt was sitting behind Renae and I, with Greg. When Matt asked if I wanted his ring, I was stunned! Shocked. I couldn't speak! I turned in my seat and probably did something really stupid like GIGGLE (horrors!!), but when I heard him say to Greg, "See, she doesn't want it." I spun around in my seat and said, "Give me that! Of course I want it!"

Up until this time another friend of mine was trying to constantly find me "A Guy" she would introduce me to them and then later I'd say, "He's cute, but he's not my type." Again and again, my standard answer for every guy in my life was, "He's cute, but he's not my type." Finally, after all those years of trying, Cheryl asked me in desperation, "What IS your type?!" I answered, "Matt." There were even times when Cheryl told guys, "She'll think you are cute, but you aren't her type." I'd go out with them for the evening and we'd have fun, but rarely did they get more than one date with me. They were all very cute (HOT even!! Cheryl really did find the hotties! Woowee!), but, so very NOT my type.

Matt was a breath of fresh air for me. I liked him all along, but he wasn't ready. I can't blame him, I was a mess!!! Obviously, I had dated a few other questionable guys that wanted nothing more than to "get in my pants." Two of them didn't want me at all - they only dated me to get closer to a friend of mine. TWICE!!! Another guy kissed like a fish - I needed a towel when he was done kissing me. Another guy had braces and really hurt my mouth when he kissed me. There was the guy that my under-cover detective Step-Dad was following while we were out because that guy would do drug deals when I'd go to the bathroom!! Said guy also had quite a few other girlfriends in other school districts. There was the older brother of another friend - that was too weird. I think I even went out to eat with Renae's brother, but that was too weird also - too close of friends. Someone had a cousin; someone else had a son - was Tyra interested? No, not, really. Only one time did Matt tell me to stay away from a guy I was dating... he asked me what I was doing with him. I got really upset with Matt and told him that since he was clearly not interested in dating me that he should mind his own business - and I stomped away.

Finally, all the other guys filtered out of my life. It was just "Me, Myself and I" trying to find myself in the middle of the chaos called high school. I was in a dysfunctional home. I was battling endometriosis, severe depression, suicide, crooked hips that were quite painful at times, an eating disorder, self-esteem issues, AODA meetings, meetings with guidance counselors, psychiatric counselors & social workers and repressed memories from sexual abuse, all while trying to get decent grades!

Then there was Matt. After that basketball game, it took Matt 4 months to kiss me or hold my hand. A guy (C.K.) that wanted to date me, gave me grief EVERYDAY about Matt not holding my hand or kissing me. C.K. would even walk up behind me to try to get my hand into his. He'd meet up with me in quite hallways trying to get me to kiss him. He was really very sweet about it all. C.K. was very nice - even cute! My Step-dad really liked him too, but... he wasn't my type. I tried to hide it all from Matt and I told C.K. that it was alright with me that Matt didn't push our relationship further. C.K. finally took the hint and left me alone. Matt knew I had been hurt by other guys, but didn't know any details. He just knew it wasn't good. He was quite content to just hold my hand and I was quite relaxed with him not asking me for anything more than that. Matt never wanted to hurt me.

All these years later, I can honestly say that Matt has never hurt me. He has always been there for me - thru all of my sickness ~ which is far more common than the health part of those vows. He stays by my side when I know that any of those other yahoos would have left. He stays by my side when we have to revert to those days of hand holding and cuddles only because I'm in too much pain.

I still find myself looking at him and thinking, "Wow. I can't believe I'm married to Matt." There are also the times when we both look in the mirror and think, "Who is this person? Where is my childhood sweetheart thru the gray hair and voluptuous figure?" and then we remember. Then we see thru the years of living and see the person through a laugh or an old joke.

It all comes back to me and I find myself still in love with him.

When Nature Trusts You

2012-01-23T10:42:00.000-06:00

Pic from thebubbler.com

A friend posted that she liked the sound of the wings of geese as they fly overhead: "The sound of geese wings shush-shushing as they fly overhead."

I love that sound! I love that they are that close to me when they are flying overhead. They get quiet and stop 'talking'. As if I'm exuding an aura of peace/calm and they know or trust that they can keep flying over me; that they don't have to veer off to be safe.

When I was younger, my mother and I lived in the country. I had a dog named Sarge. Sarge was Springer Spaniel, a bird dog. He was supposed to be a hunter, however, a farmer took a pop-shot at his ass-end one day and that was the end of Sarge's hunting career. He was now my best-buddy, no longer a hunter. Sarge was great! I'd sneak him into the house late at night through the back door. He would immediately go to my room and jump onto the foot end of my bed. We'd go everywhere on the farm together, getting completely full of mud at times. He would also sleep on top of his house like Snoopy.

One night, in the autumn, Sarge and I walked out to get the mail. It must have been about 9:00 p.m. or so. I remember it being warm, but I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Sarge was my buddy and would go with me around the farm at night. I was a bit scared of the dark, but with Sarge by my side I was alright to go anywhere on the farm. On this particular night, Sarge and I were getting the mail in. On the walk back to the house we could hear the geese flying overhead. Sarge gave a tiny and quiet "wuff", I shushed him so he wouldn't scare the geese flying overhead.

It was fun to hear the wild geese fly over the farm. We had 8 clipped geese on the farm. By clipped, I mean that their wings were clipped. For some reason - probably injuries - we ended up keeping them in an open pen. Their pen was about 30 x 50 with a big cement pond in the middle. These geese were far better guard 'dogs' than any german shepherd we ever had! Their honking would wake up our country neighbors! When the wild and free geese flew overhead, sometimes they would land inside the open pen. Some would stay for a while and some would leave. Our geese were very good hosts. However, it was when the wild and free geese would fly overhead and NOT stop to visit that our geese would go crazy in their honking.

Back to my story, on this night, I shushed Sarge. Kneeling down to his level, putting my arm around his warm soft brunette coat, I then tipped my flashlight into the night sky. The shaft of light illuminating black outlines of the flyers above. The geese immediately stopped their 'talking', but we could still hear their wings overhead. I swear they were so low that they were under the black walnut trees' canopies. Our clipped geese were already roosting for the night and didn't waken. It was just Sarge and I sharing a quiet moment.

Flyers and Bird Dog trusting me enough to keep going quietly.

When A Son is Forgotten

2012-01-21T21:10:00.000-06:00

One of my sons is involved with the Worship group at a church we attend. (At one point both sons were involved, but that's another story on how we are down to one.) Usually practice is on Thursday evenings. Since said son does not have a driver's license, my oldest son takes him. While the musician is at practice, my oldest does errands in that area, thus combining multiple trips into one. Everything is about combining nearby errands to conserve on our gas budget.

Sons leave for practice and errands. That evening I receive a phone call at work... no one is showing up for practice; what should they do? I tell them to wait 10-15 more minutes, if no one shows up then, they should just do errands and come home. I also tell them to text everyone and see what is going on.

A second telephone call to me at work reveals that practice was changed to Saturday. A few, "I'm sorry, I didn't know to call you." statements were made and home they went.

Now everyone in my house is upset. How can it not be known to call everyone involved on the 'team'? How can it not be known to inform the bass player? It is frustrating for so many reasons, one being that we simply cannot afford to make an additional trip. It isn't that we are busy or that it too short of notice. We want to do as much as we can so that he can be a part of the Worship team. We want to encourage his love of music - his desire to play. However, we cannot afford the extra gas. Had we known ahead of time errands would have been arranged to fit the practice schedule and everything would have been fine.

I don't feel that the apology made was heartfelt. Rude is a word I'd like to use, but I'm not sure where to put it. I have nothing nice to say for the person leading worship this week, therefore, I shall say nothing about that person at all. My son is feeling hurt and anger. Anger because he thought he was part of the 'team', but it consistently seems that he (and his brother) are not considered as part of the 'team'. Hurt because.... he thought he was part of the 'team'.

As a mother, I want nothing more than to give that person a piece of my mind. As a mother to a young man, I have to sit back and let my young man handle things in his own manner. His manner being so much more kind and patient than my own. I want to respond with behavior that is rude and unbecoming to the woman I want to be. My young men teach me many things; this time I am being taught to hold my tongue.

Proverbs 10:19

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁹ In the multitude of words sin is not lacking,
But he who restrains his lips is wise.

~~~~

James 3:1-12

New International Version (NIV)

James 3

Taming the Tongue

¹ Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ² We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. ³ When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Lunch at Work

2012-01-21T14:02:00.000-06:00

I'm at work today, so I had the chance to "brown-bag it". I'm enjoying a spinach salad with green olives and cottage cheese. When hubby helps pack my lunch I usually have way too much to eat. Today he put half a bag of spinach leaves in my bag, along with some hummus, a thermos of hot filtered water, a coconut water, a thermos of cold filtered water and I grabbed some chocolate and my jar of coconut oil for my hot tea. It's a long day and he doesn't want me to go hungry or thirsty apparently. I also have snacks in my locker - I have peanuts, tea, tortilla chips and chocolate. I also have a jar of salsa in the breakroom frig. No going hungry for me!

So, here I sit, in the back where it's all quiet and cozy and I'm listening to the music that I have broadcasting on my blog. Right now, Sting is on singing about summer.

One of my co-workers just came back to tell me that my timing is good... a cantankerous patron is up front! hahahaha - I did give her the option to go on break before me, but she declined saying I was here first and should therefore go on break first.

Time to go enjoy my hummus!

While Walking Upon Our Path....

2012-01-19T11:42:00.000-06:00

Proverbs 3:6 - In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Hubby JUST said, "I think the best thing we need to do is to search for what we feel is right based upon the Scriptures." We were reading an article regarding Christmas. In the article it was mentioned that Thomas had written some things also. How interesting! Time to Google! What I found next was this:

From the Gospel of Thomas:

BLATZ(2) Jesus said: He who seeks, let him not cease seeking until he finds; and when he finds he will be troubled, and when he is troubled he will be amazed, and he will reign over the All.

LAYTON

(2) Jesus said, "Let one who seeks not stop seeking until that person finds; and upon finding, the person will be disturbed; and being disturbed, will be astounded; and will reign over the entirety."

DORESSE

1 [2]. Jesus says: "Let him who seeks cease not to seek until he finds: when he finds he will be astonished; and when he is astonished he will wonder, and will reign over the universe!"

Hubby was deeply moved when we found that - in the timely manner that we found it. God's timing is perfect!

Matthew 7:7 New Living Translation (©2007)
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

James 1:5 New International Version (©1984)
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Well... we are definately asking!! Thank you Lord, for answering.

Church In A Building... I Just Don't Want to Anymore

2012-01-17T22:20:00.000-06:00

There are so many reasons why, but the main one is that I just can't see Jesus there anymore.

I know so many are giving it everything they've got. I also realize that I haven't attended every church that is out there. My heart is still for Christ Jesus.

My heart still believes. My heart grieves.

Laughter & Pain

2012-01-16T16:19:00.000-06:00

Laughing Authoress 1/12

I wasn't able to go into work tonight. Too much pain to deal with. I woke up around 7 a.m., already hurting. It's now after 4 p.m. and I'm still hurting. Same body, but the pain is shifting.

I decided that I was going to be in a good mood regardless of my pain issues for today's date.

I went on Facebook and wrote the following: Lots of pain today - all different too! Endo., Fibro., colon, head, rib cage, shoulders --- Man! Hope I have a good hair day - you know how important it is to look great when you're flat on the couch!!!

I received several encouraging replies - gotta love my friends. The best replies were the ones that included references to my hair. "AND I am sure your hair is lovely...I hear that there are others that are absolutely jealous of that hair;)" and then there was this one: "thinking of you today on the couch with your beautiful hair! Prayers sent on your behalf!!" another one was: "I know where your coming from, its nice though when you can still find humor in it." and finally this one: "Love your humor amid all the pain ♥"

I've been laughing at myself my entire life. Real true laughter, not the fake stuff. Real laughter that comes from knowing my true self, not the fake laughter that hides the emotional stress of varying degrees of abuse. I'm clumsy and funny and wonderfully full of myself! hahaha

My guys will gently sit on the couch of sofa sleeper next to me and get me laughing. It's wonderful medicine. I'm still hurting, but in my heart is love and joy and peace. My ears ring with laughter - a great big wonderful sound of love.

A Village of Friends

2012-01-06T20:57:00.000-06:00

My friends. They are something else. I recently read some of the blog of Erika Morrison. She had a line about her village of friends being exquisite. What a wonderful feeling that left me with. So much so, that I wanted to blog about my little village too!

My village actually has several churches. I have two friends that were my friend before they became Pastors and one person that became a friend and now we stay to listen to him pastor. We have not joined this church, but not because of anything he does or doesn't do ~ I don't believe in organized religion and simply refuse.

My village has it's fair share of beer-drinkers and hell-raisers. As well as an atheist and a guy that believes in a God, but not in Jesus being the Son of God. I also have Torah Believing friends ~ which I recently discovered know of one another even though they live in different countries! Some of home school many of them do not.

In the village I live and love in, there are single Moms, married Moms and widowed Moms. A few are remarried Moms, Step-Moms and what they lovingly call a Blended-Moms

Some of us are conservative, radical, hippie-wannabes, Republicans, Democrats and non-voters.

Some of us have time to eat home-made and some of them don't. A few eat off of paper plates and some of them would rather save a tree and wash a dish. Me? I'm both!

Clumsy, creative, lazy, boundless energy, skinny, short, fat and tallish. Some like to swear and some LOVE IT! Some don't swear. Ever!!

Eye liner and all natural. Jewelry or not. Manicures - me, never! Dred-locks, curly, straight, thin and bald. Blonde, dyed, brunette, black, kinky and soft.

Children - onlies, some, a few, several, foster, a whole baseball team! Fertile & infertile. Some are musical, some can play the radio.

I have specific friends I go to with cooking questions. Some of them come to me with cooking questions. We've friends that we butcher chickens with.

Friends with disorders, depression, diseases, addictions and fears. Smelly feet and too much perfume. We all fart.

They know my secrets. They know what I want them to. They want to know me more closely. Guarded and carefree; an open book. I can laugh and they can laugh at me. Held at arms-length.

Long-time friends, forever friends, new friends, recent friends, fast friends (30-days or less, but still intense and heartfelt), renewed friends, backyard friends, co-worker friends, church friends, neighbor friends, pet friends, related friends, young friends, older-than-Methusela friends, busy friends, working friends, pick-up-right-where-we-left-off friends, internet friends, face-to-face friends, internet friends turned face-to-face friends.

All of them ~ friends with me ~ friends of mine.

Birthday... Snow?

2012-01-06T19:49:00.000-06:00

This was the Birthday Snow I was willing to settle with.

Snow from an ice chest!!

However, it did snow for REAL that night.

Who's That Girl...

2012-01-05T21:04:00.000-06:00

I am the girl who is always in constant pain but looks completely healthy on the outside.

I am the girl who is infertile.

I am the girl who can't afford to keep calling in sick.

I am the girl who has an extra handbag for her pharmaceuticals.

I am the girl that brings along an extra set of undergarments and pants.

I am the girl who is always consulting doctors and who tries to avoid emergency rooms.

I am the girl who is always tired, pretending not to be.

I am the girl always pretending.

I am the girl trying to make others laugh so no one asks how I am feeling.

I am the girl constantly in a mask.

I am the girl that has a synical and bitter heart trying to be pleasant.

I am the girl with the disease you can't pronounce!

I am the girl that finds a sick sense of twisted comfort knowing that I am not the only girl like this.

I am also the girl that loves.

I am also the girl with hope.

I am also the girl that likes to smile.
I am also the girl with a goofy hat!

I am also the girl that laughs.

I am also the girl that wants a hug.

I am also the girl that sincerely cares.

I am also the girl that can be honest.

I am also the girl with tact.

I am also the girl with a secret.

I am also the girl that remembers her manners.

I am also the girl that brings comfort to other girls that find comfort knowing that they are not the only girl like this.

TIme to Clean Out - Body, Mind, Soul & Home

2012-01-04T20:55:00.000-06:00

I made a big kettle of veggie soup with turkey stock. Then I made a dish of cauliflower/broccoli gratin. After almost all of the gratin was enjoyed and gone, I noticed broccoli bugs in my sauce. I wanted to puke. Back to my soup I guess.

It's time to detox - no, not because of the broccoli bugs. After all of the gluten involved with the holiday season, I'm not feeling well. Not as healthy as I know I can. I feel sludgy and sloshy. I didn't gain massive amounts of weight, it isn't that either. It's the gluten clogging me up. Even my tastebuds aren't as sensitive as I know they can be.

I plan on eating and drinking my veggie stock and juices for the next two weeks. I will then have to take a healthy "girl" break for a week and then I will resume my gluten detox.

Some of things I plan on enjoying with detoxing: veggie soups, V-8 juice, aloe juice, coconut water, water, hot water with coconut oil in it, kefir, milk and several different teas - one is called Fasting Support. There are also 2 different detox teas that I will drink.

I will continue this week with a nice spinach salad with hard boiled eggs and my canned salsa. Salsa, by-the-way, is my 'free food'. While I am detoxing, sometimes I just need something crunchy - corn tortilla chips and my salsa get me through, when my mouth is bored. I will also allow myself a small piece of chocolate if I want. Usually, the chocolate chips that you put in cookies - that's what I allow myself to eat. Did you realize that about 20 of those chips is a serving of chocolate?!! That's alot of pieces! I only need 2 or 3 pieces to get me through the day if my mouth is bored. During this time I will continue with my Myomin herbal blend as well as my Zymessence supplement.

The first week will be the hardest due to boredom. Hunger isn't an issue, it's boredom! I will do more crafty projects with my hands to keep my mind occupied. I don't like to eat when I'm creating because I don't want to get my projects oily or chocolatey. After the first week, I won't even care about eating or cooking. I'll still cook for the rest of the family, but it won't bother me. It's just that first week that I go a little stir crazy.

So, wish me success. I know how great I will feel when it is all over and that is a great incentive. Right now.... I'm feeling miserable!

As far as cleaning out the mind ~ I will be taking some time during this detox to focus on what brings me comfort and joy. Working with my hands and reading.

Cleaning out my soul entails (for me anyway) studying God's Word more. I have a few things that I am researching, but I also have a book that I'm reading, Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. I'm trying to get through this, but I find I'm struggling. I think I'm thinking too hard on it all! LOL (You would have to read the book to understand the humor in that last statement.)

Cleaning out my home is self-explanatory, however, I want to add that every closet will be gone through. The wood floors are scrubbed on the main floor, but the upper level needs to be done. A bathroom will be painted. A bedroom will be finished for finishing touches. There is some remodeling work that needs to be finished. However it is the closets that get attention first. Everything gets hauled out and laundered. The back corners are scrubbed for dust and any mold that (rarely) appears. We then paint those back closet walls with Kilz and put on a fresh coat of paint ~ something bright and cheery.

I am content with what I have, but I want to reduce.

I am content with how I look, but I want to feel free of gluten-sludge.

I am happy with the decisions we have made as a family with regards to our spiritual journeys, but I have an obligation to a friend that I must fulfill.

There is a light at the end of each of those statements I made above. Reduction will happen in less than 10 days. Sludge will leave my body before the end of the month. Obligations will be met in 13 more sessions. ( I thought it was less than that actually! Bummer.) Those finishing touches on the house will happen as the money is available, so they will happen on a debt free basis.

Yes, it is time to clean out my body, mind, soul and home. Too much clutter makes for one cranky authoress!

Chapters - It is Definately a Small World

2011-12-31T13:50:00.000-06:00

Once we opened our hearts to the few friends we have that are Torah Observant, several more came forward. Not too far from us are several families that, just recently, have been placed in our lives. From getting to know them, we are finding that THEY know people we know! Crazy.

I believe that every chapter of my life was written for a specific purpose. Sometimes the purpose doesn't have much to do with me, but I'm in it for what I can provide. There are chapters where the purpose is something I have to learn - specifically for my salvation. It's when I can see things unfold and the situations work out - that's when I am amazed. Key players patiently waiting for me to give them my trust -- and give them their turn in my life.

I am utterly thankful that the Lord is patient with me and my untrusting heart.

I am, once again, finding that I have hope in my heart, but I am cautious to not get hurt again. I, once again, find that I am hopeful for my sons. Hopeful that this chapter IS indeed all about THEM. That within this chapter of life that they will find like-minded men of God. I want all of this to work out for them. I don't want their light to burn out. They have been hurt so much by people they trusted...

If anything, this chapter may not be about me and my salvation, but about me having patience and waiting on the Lord. It seems to be all about trust on my part. Growth for my sons. Patience and trust for me.

I, not-so-patiently, sit with a tremor in my heart Lord. I sit here, once again, with my heart on my sleeve for all the world to see and I cry in anticipation of the hurt I synically believe will come my way. I find myself hoping when I don't want to.

I have no choice BUT to leave it to you.

Narcissistic - That explains alot!

2011-12-29T10:39:00.000-06:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

That explains so much! Of my mother, I mean. I was searching for something else and came across this wiki link - wow!! Never had a definition of my mother and why she is the way she is. Now I do. That fits her perfectly.

One of my friends told me a long time ago that she was narcissistic, but at the time I didn't bother to really ask for a definition, nor did I bother to look one up. I should have!

The Lord's Connections

2011-12-28T10:35:00.000-06:00

Recently, we have opened our hearts to man made traditions vs. what the Bible says. Lots to think about. What I am so thankful for, are the friends that we have in our lives that believe as we do. God's timing is wonderful and perfect. He has placed key people in our lives to help us thru this time of seeking. Several friends have come forward and bravely put their beliefs out there for us to know also. We aren't feeling alone in our walk towards the truth. To not celebrate Christmas is a big step. To learn what the Bible says to celebrate is daunting. It's going against the worldly ways - man-made ways. It is a challenge that will bring out anger and hostility of others.

I am thankful for the fellowship of like-minded believers. The connections that the Lord has given us. Thank you Lord.

Feeling Completely Rested

2011-12-23T14:36:00.000-06:00

As of late, I've been taking 3 valerian capsules ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valerian_%28herb%29 ) to help me sleep at night. I also take them when I'm in pain, but only 1 capsule at a time. However, these past several days I've been SO incredibly tired - due to family members being up all night with illness or breathing problems. Last night I went to bed early took my 3 capsules and slept all night - straight thru! I don't think I even moved!

So early this morning I woke up by 6 a.m. without an alarm! I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as my Mum would say. Took a shower, got going, did some laundry, ate a hot breakfast, washed some dishes and made (so far) 3 batches of peanut butter fudge. (The fudge is gluten free, by-the-way, and my recipe is on my recipe page.)

A good night of sleep is so important. If I ever impart any wisdom to anyone, I hope that sleep is one thing I impart. As far as I know, valerian is not addictive and it works wonders. I also just read on Wikipedia that it also helps with anxiety! I have to agree!

Whatever you do to get to sleep at night, I pray a rest-filled sleep for you.

A Lack of...

2011-12-22T15:35:00.000-06:00

Conversation.

I am surprised at the lack of conversation coming forth from certain people in my life regarding the historical events surrounding this holiday season. Surprised because usually they are quite vocal! LOL There are several reasons, I am sure. One revolving around possible conflict with friends. I would have thought, however, that if I was terribly 'OFF', that certain ones would come forward and tell me, "HEY! You are OFF the mark, girlfriend!"

So many historical documents and books cannot all be wrong (HA!) It is what it is.

It's alright. I've, personally, gone to friends in the past and in the current :) asking for their thoughts and opinions. The reason for the holidays is a touchy subject, so I do know why people prefer to not discuss it at all... like politics!

I did have one trying to 'save my soul'. That's alright. I still believe, I'm just studying more history. It all started with a textbook. Then it moved from there because of a question, "What's this on the calendar?" Followed by more questions and a few friends guiding us to some of the answers that they have found.

I'm thankful for all teachings.

Crashing Waves - Pain and Water

2011-12-19T08:42:00.000-06:00

I miss the beach. It's soothing to me. The grainy sand under my toes, massaging my feet as I walk. The occasional sharp edge of a broken shell piercing my foot as I walk reminds me to tread lightly. There are globs of seaweed, slippery and hairy; I walk around those. Sometimes there is something dead and half eaten - definately going to walk around that!

However, it is the tremendous crashing of the waves that I miss. Small waves gently rolling in, I eagerly await the next 'big one' to come crashing down to the shore. Farther out, in between the waves are tiny heads bobbing around. Sea lions waiting to see if I'm fishing, so they can steal my bait. I don't fish, I walk and wade, so they are out of luck. I can hear my Dad yelling at the sea lions though... he IS fishing!

My blog is like an ocean. I've said that before. However, now I'm relating my body to an ocean also. Some days I'm calm and serene. Other days the waves are loud and crashing; all consuming and hypnotizing; powerful surges from head-to-toe. Like an upsurge or rise, pain comes to a crest. Progressively swelling not only in size, but also intensity. I am reminded by that sea shell to tread lightly through my pain... through my life. Nothing matters unless it has to do with eternity. Tread lightly through my pain days. Eventually, calm will come again. The sun will come out as the fog clears.

Both for me and the beach.

Pain Day

2011-12-18T12:36:00.001-06:00

Waves of pain today.

Must be all of the junk food I've been eating lately that is aggravating the conditions.

Is it worth the pain? No, not really, but then again.... peppermint bark IS pretty yummy! Peanut butter balls -gluten freedom, right there!!

I could do without the caramel, chocolate covered pretzels I suppose....

It Snowed On My Birthday!

2011-12-18T12:34:00.000-06:00


My birthday tootsies.	12/2011

Let me just say that snow,

in the middle of the night,

on bare tootsies...

Is VERY CoLd!!


Snow falling late into the night on my birthday.	12/2011

I was a bit happy, to say the least!

My First Birthday Without Any...

2011-12-15T22:35:00.000-06:00

Snow on the ground or snow in the air! It even snowed on my birthday when we lived in Berkeley, Calif. My Momma took pictures! I was supremely happy. However, this year, I'm a teeny bit sad about no snow.

However, this isn't a time to whine and complain over the weather. Out of everything that could go wrong in life, I am most concerned about there not being any snow for my birthday tomorrow! Tongue in cheek ~

This year I have mostly gone to bed sad. I have mostly gone to bed medicated so that I can sleep through the night without any physical pains waking me up. This year I have gone to bed more times than other year I can remember ~ with tears on my cheeks. I went to bed twice knowing that someone I hold dear in my heart was going to die during the night. I went to bed for about 10 days in a row wondering if my Dad was going to die during the night ~~ with me 3,000 miles away from him. Unable to hold his hand and tell him I love him.

However, not once did I go to bed in my street clothes! Also, even though I had to go to sleep medicated, I did not need medication for anxiety!! There were a few nights where I was so happy that I fell asleep smiling and content. I fell asleep with my hubby by my side. The nights that he wasn't there can be counted on one hand. Every night this past year I could sleep with the the comfort of knowing that my children were safe and healthy. I slept in comfort knowing that my children were there. I fell asleep in a room that, even though it is unfinished, it is still cozy and wonderful for us. I fell asleep with relative good health. I fell asleep with the dishes put away and with a sinkful of dirties. I fell asleep with a full tummy, refrigerator and freezers. I also fell asleep and forgot to flip the laundry over into the dryer.

I fell asleep saying my prayers, more often than not. Sometimes I fell asleep to the gentle sounds of wind chimes, sometimes to the sound of rain falling, my husband snoring, sometimes to the sound of relaxing instrumental music, sometimes to the beautiful sound of my family laughing. There were only a small handful of nightmares that awoke me from my slumbers.

Sometimes the lights were left on and the air conditioner was too cold. Sometimes I needed lots of pillows and an ice pack. There were a few times when a migraine kept me awake. There were several times when no amount of muscle relaxers AND pain pills were going to get me to sleep!!

Sophie was there by my side on a few nights, resting her head on my hip while I slept. There were a few nights when I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. There were a few nights when Kitty-Gato woke me up because he was hungry or because he had the "Kitty-Crazies".

Three times the phone rang in the middle of the night with bad news. Four times the phone rang and I felt my stomach drop. Bracing myself for the worst, only to hear a friendly voice on the other end that forgot about the time zone difference.

I woke up fatter, skinnier and then a bit bigger than skinnier, but skinnier than fatter! LOL

I have fallen asleep in my Gramma's old pjammie shirt ~ in my Gramps' only flannel shirt ~ underneath my Dad's old bathrobe ~ and in my tank top. I have had the sheer bliss of climbing into a bed warmed by a heating pad or into that same bed with sheets fresh from the line ~ crisp and great smelling.

Above all, I have fallen asleep, only to be blessed with yet another day to awake.

Chanukah or christmas??

2011-12-12T22:06:00.000-06:00

We've been studying Chanukah and the pagan origins of Christmas. There is so much to think about!

Disclaimer: If you don't want to know about all that is Pagan, don't keep reading. You may not be ready. It is not my job to save anyone. That is God's job. My job is to lead by example. To quietly witness. To live my life in such a way....

One thing leads to another! Not only just Christmas but, then it moves into Easter. It keeps moving forward to all of the Feasts/Festivals as indicated in Leviticus 23.

I've found a booklet that I've had for years. Literally, years. I've had these booklets since at least 2000. One booklet is entitled, "Holidays or Holy Days; Does it matter what days we observe?" the other is "God's Holy Day Plan". I've read them over and over thru the years because the paganism and the materialism of the two big holidays (Easter and Christmas) have bothered me as much as Halloween.

My spiritual journey is my own and I've succombed to peer pressure only to stand up against it again thru the years. However, my sense that something has gone terribly wrong has steadily increased until recently it reared such an ugly head that I could no longer get away from that awful feeling that I was not only wrong, but a horrid hypocrite at the same time.

I no longer wanted to help decorate the church for the two big holidays. Don't even get me started on the Easter Egg Hunts!!! I didn't care that the 'game' was player outside! It enraged me that it was encouraged at all. I no longer wanted to teach the Sunday school children incorrectly. I wanted to clear the air about the Wise Men NOT being there on the night of Jesus' birth. I wanted to shout from the steeple that Jesus was probably born in the autumn!

Back to the Bible - In Matthew 5:17-20 where Jesus is saying that he had not come to abolish the law or the Prophets.... but to fulfill them. He went to the Feast of the Tabernacles; He participated in The Passover and on and on. In 1 Corinthians 11:1-2 Paul told his followers to "imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ," and then later "keep the traditions as I delivered them to you." One of the things I read explained it this way: "If Paul's practice had not been to observe the Holy Days, his comments to the Jews and gentiles in Corinth would have been meaningless." There are several passages in Acts and Corinthians where Paul is arranging his travel schedule to accommodate the Feast of Pentecost, the Day of Atonement, the Feast of Unleavened Bread, etc. The early Church was to continue the observance of these God-given festivals. I think we are to follow the example of Jesus in all matters, so why not in this arena also?

If God's laws include the 10 Commandments - which I try to keep and do so for many of them! LOL I can't help but think that we are to remember the Feasts/Festivals... just pondering...

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17 NKJV)
1	“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2	“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3	“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4	“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5	“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6	“You shall not murder.
7	“You shall not commit adultery.
8	“You shall not steal.
9	“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10	“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”

I do know that I will never be able to get it all done correctly. There are things that I will never be able to do. For instance, I cannot sacrifice a pure and free of imperfections lamby!!

There are probably all sorts of arguments for NOT keeping the Holy Days, for EATING pork, for this, for that, for this and for that again. In Mark 7:14-23 Jesus says that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him 'unclean'. For it doesn't go into his heart, but into his stomach, and then out of his body. (Thus declaring foods clean.) Okay, that's fine. However, Jesus didn't declare (to my limited knowledge) that we didn't have to keep the Holy Days. No where in the Bible does it say to honor his mother, Mary, with a festival. Also, it doesn't tell us to honor his birth - with a festival -- especially at the date of the pagan festival, but he does tell us to remember his death. If we are, in fact, to honor his birth, shouldn't we at least do it according to the trail of clues that the Bible gives us? Should we continue to follow the edicts of the Roman government of old?

As for me, myself and I, I just cannot stomach anymore pagan rituals, symbols and celebrations. I really did learn the most from Jim Staley -- http://www.passionfortruth.com/ -- his podcast on Truth or Tradition was very enlightening. Oh well... I don't know. I just know that I feel a complete sense of freedom now that I've begun to let go of christmas. I never did believe that Christ was in christmas anyway!

I do believe that if I cease to allow pagan junk to enter into my life that God will be happier with me. I still totally believe in GRACE. I still totally believe in why Jesus came - because we can never get it perfect. I will forever be a sinner. However, that does not mean that I can allow myself to continue walking a path with pagan practices, now that I know better. All of this to me simply means that I cannot do the pagan parts anymore.

My Friday Night Blessings...

2011-12-09T19:04:00.000-06:00


Your Authoress

I'm all for warm and cozy tonight. It's a balmy 19* outside on this cold Wisconsin night. I'm wearing a scarf inside the house - mostly for fashion!!

I'm also making Peanut Butter candy and a Pumpkin pie.
As a special treat I made the guys Cookies and Cream Iced Coffee Drinks.

The sounds surrounding me are of my boys laughing in the other room.

The soothing feeling I have around my legs is that of my Kitty-Gato doing figure 8's around my ankles.

My laundry is under control; the beef stock for soup is simmering.

ahhh.... it really is a nice warm spot on a cold Wisconsin night.

My home is cozy,
My home is warm.
My walls are blessed and keep us safe from harm.
Blessed we have been.
Blessed we will be.
My Lord, My God Watches over me.

My pains they ebb.

My pains they flow.

My pains they sometimes make me slow.

My pains are mine and take them I will,

I try to keep my grumblin's 'nill.

My life is mine, one I'd rather keep;

as the woes of others are much to deep.

Thank you Lord for all that you gave.

With You at the Hearth, I know we are saved.

~Carmen~

My Struggle In December

2011-12-08T23:47:00.000-06:00

http://jim-staley.podomatic.com/player/web/2010-10-03T07_05_00-07_00 This is another link for the above video, but in podcast form.

My yearly December struggle. I've slowly been realizing the pagan aspects of many things that humans do. First it was Halloween, then it was Easter. I've always known about Christmas, but recent and deep studies are revealing more to me that I don't want to be a part of.

I don't believe that Jesus was born in December or even in the winter season. So many things dispute this.

http://www.bethlehemstar.net/ This is a link to just one place to learn the truth about the season that Jesus was born in.

The Bible backs it all up.

I was shocked by some of the information and I already knew some of it. Regardless, my yearly December struggle is coming to a close.

For me, I know what I need to do. I have been shown the truth. My eyes have been opened. I am now held accountable.

Accountability is key. I feel that many Christians are the best Christian they have been taught to be. Maybe even using the word 'many' in that previous sentence is too generous of a statement. Regardless, I know that my Lutheran Gramma and that my Catholic Lola Mom were the very best Lutheran/Catholic that they were taught to be. I don't think these facts and truths were ever shown to them. They weren't shown to me all at once and I'm 40'something years old! I believe that being the best you are taught to be, God will take care of the rest upon meeting him. I believe it is at that FINAL point in our spiritual journey that we will have the rest explained to us and then given one last chance to accept or reject. I truly believe that my Grandparents ACCEPTED the final truths that God must have shown to them and that, (even though they still did the Christmas and Easter thing while here on Earth), they now know the truth and accepted that truth and are in Heaven rejoicing.

I don't want to be a complacent and sloppy follower of Christ.

God is the One in charge of HOW to worship Him - WHEN to worship Him, not us. He gave us instructions. We cannot take pagan ways and say, "Well, it doesn't mean that to me, at least I'm celebrating Him." It specifically tells us in the Bible, "You shall not worship Me with such things."

I don't want the doctrines and traditions of man to influence my spiritual journey. I'm doing the research because I'm ready for it. I hunger for it.

Not everyone is ready for all of the truth.

Fibromyalgia - This too?

2011-12-05T21:19:00.000-06:00

I've recently been told that I am also dealing with fibromyalgia. I have 14 of the 18 tender points and I've had the pain for more than 3 months.

I thought that there was something more wrong with me than 'just' the endo. I mean, I know where endo hurts and I know where, when and how it hurts on me. What I could not explain was why I was hurting elsewhere.

Now I know.

Whatever the cause, whatever the outcome, I plan on treating this naturally, for as long as I am able. It seems that naturally may be the most effective in pain control - for me, because I don't want to be so sleepy on my pain meds. I don't need a 'happy' pill because I don't have depression. What I may need is anti-anxiety meds. Muscle relaxants are also a definite.

Regardless of all that, I have plans on how to keep my focus. I have plans on how to keep God in all that I do. I will fail regularly, I'm sure, but I will keep trying.

Philippians 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or complaining. I'm thinking that it also includes living with Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis. I want to live in grace. I don't want to be a burden on my family.

Is Christ in All That I Do?

2011-12-04T18:12:00.000-06:00

Is Christ in all that I do? No.

Do I try to remember Christ in all that I do? Not always.

Do I WANT to remember Christ in all that I do? A resounding, YES!

There is a phrase: Sometimes you have to say, "No" to the good things, so you can say, "Yes" to the best things.

Christ is best.

I have been asked to be a Mentor for a Christian organization. At first I was completely on board with it all. Granted, I've only been to 2 meetings. I have, however, been mildly researching this organization for quite some time. I've been asking the same question for years: "Where is Christ in all of this?" I've not seen Him! Back to my recent chance at being a Mentor. I was asked, and I energetically started. However, now I am feeling that there isn't ENOUGH of God in this endeavor. It's a good organization, but I think in their attempt to get as many students as possible - and to not make those students feel like a Bible is being thumped on their head - that they have, quite frankly, lost sight of God.

I am not wanting this to come across as a horrible criticism of the organization, it's a good organization that depends on a few leaders and many volunteers. It DOES do lots of good for the world. I just think that maybe I'm a bit my 'strict' in my groups of students and I want them to have MORE of God. I don't want to put God in a subtle message. I want that message to be loud, clear, obnoxious and blunt. I want to make a big noise for God. I don't want to be subtle. I am very understanding of those that are not 'into' Jesus. I can understand those that 'don't get' God. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE listening to young people sort through their thoughts on creation, God, Jesus, the Bible, life, love and happiness. I love guiding them to specific books to read or, if they are ready, scriptures. But, I can't be subtle. It's a good organization, but I think the approach is too gentle and laid back. I think that I am a good fit for some of the students, but not the kind of fit that the organizers are looking for.

I am still on the fence with this. It's a good thing, but is it the best thing? Is it the best way for me to share my loving relationship with Jesus? I'm not so sure.

Knitting with Kitty-Gato

2011-11-20T22:20:00.000-06:00

So, tonight wasn't the greatest knitting experience, but it was the funniest!

First, I got Reggie's tail entertwined into my yarn. Reggie is a rat. He thought it was great fun.

Then, I somehow got my knitting needle, size 15 - 10mm, tangled into my hair. I'm really not sure how that happened...

Finally, Kitty-Gato decided that he wanted to play with the end of the scarf that I wasn't working on. He just about pulled the scarf off of my chair and did a dive bomb into my feet, conking his head on the leg of the chair.

I eventually get the scarf tied off and was able to record Kitty-Gato playing with the ends.

For your enjoyment:

A Haunting

2011-11-14T14:08:00.000-06:00

Before the library was built, there was a school here. In 1885 there was a scarlet fever epidemic that left 17 children from this school dead.

We have always joked around, but still kinda believed in the idea that our library is haunted. We hear children running after hours. Children crying. There are cold spots. The elevator goes on it's own accord. We sometimes feel watched. Then there is the ever-present, "Out of the corner of my eye" incidents. We go to investigate the running or crying children only to find that we are alone. Sometimes the children's section is cold. Sometimes its the young adult section.

Recently, we have been having several encounters. Spearately, they didn't add up to really too much - just enough to keep us aware. However, just a few days ago there was an encounter that made one of my co-workers go back for photos. Unexplained loud noises made them think that a homeless person or an animal was still inside the building. Enough so, that she called our Director to come down and investigate. We don't call the boss for ANY reason.

I have also seen a man "out of the corner of my eye". We've taken photos with orbs in them. However, nothing like this has ever been experienced by any of us.

The photos follow in this post. They are of the original part of the library, on the young adult/teen zone area. Maybe you can see something, maybe not. We all did and it freaked us out. I want to add that although she may have zoomed in on some photos, she did not move or get out of her vehicle. She also said that she was very aware of whether or not the neighbors were in cars or walking around because she was afraid that they might have called the cops on her for being parked in front of their house taking photos! No cars, no lights, no people walking.

1st Photo

First photo. The second window from the right has a young lady in it. She is wearing a pink dress. She seems to be looking down.

Also, the third window from the right has a small red light in it and two white lights just above it on the second floor.

Cropped area

This is the cropped area of the above 1st photo.

Second photo

Here is the second photo. The girl is now looking directly at my friend taking the picture. Also, the red light and the two white light spots are the same.

Cropped area

Here is that same window - with the area cropped again. You can see she is looking up now.

Third photo

The girl is fading. The red light is gone, but the two white lights are still showing on the second floor.

Fourth Photo

The girl is gone. Her window is significantly darker. The red light is back along with the silhouette of a man's old-time hat. There is also only one white light in the window on the second floor.

I Have A..... Panic Attacks and other stresses

2011-11-10T22:09:00.000-06:00

I have a stalker. I don't take this lightly, but I also don't dwell on it. He was more of a nosy, meddling, pushy person versus a dangerous stalker. Someone that would not take no for an answer. I did discuss it with the police at the time. Things calmed down, he 'went away' and faded into my memory banks.

However, he didn't fade away prior to my having a nervous breakdown. He didn't fade away prior to me begging my husband to disconnect the doorbell. He didn't fade away before I shut off the telephone ringers and the answer machine volume. Startle reflex was too strong.

I couldn't remember how to get to the library - a place I visited daily, if not more than once a day. My children were scared for me. My husband worried about me. I cried to my Mom.

He tried to get into my house under the guise of concern for our financial situation and had a job idea for me. I didn't let him in. He didn't understand why I wouldn't talk with him and he asked everyone he knew if they knew why. He drove by alot.

This was in 2006.

He stopped.

Tonight he came to my place of employment. Totally by surprise. He didn't know where I worked, but he does now - dammit. However, everyone else also now knows of my history with him. I am strong. I will call the police. I won't go hide and have a panic attack.

Not like I did tonight. Total surprise. Total shock. I almost went into shock. This was my night. This was my process.

Calm down.
You can do this.
You are safe.
You have to go over there.
You have to ask him what he needs help with.
You can get someone else to help him.
Go get someone else to help him.
Don't tremble in front of him.
Ask for help.
Help is there.
Now leave.
Walk away.
Now go where you are away from him.
Do something else.
Go in the back.
Tell a co-worker and go in the back.
Not far enough in the back.
Go further into the back areas.
Breathe.
You can do this.
You are alright.
Breathe.
Panic is starting to fog your mind.
You know the symptoms.
You need to relax.
Breathe.
Don't let the fog in.
You need to get to your safe place.
Panic tells me there is no safe place.
HE is here.
Call someone.
Get someone to help you thru this.
Call your husband.
Call him.
Dial the phone.
Fog.
Dial again.
I can't remember.
Trembling fingers won't dial properly.
Try to remember the telephone number.
My brain is shutting down.
Don't let your mind fog take over.
Dialed backwards.
Don't let the panic consume you.
Dailed wrong.
My brain isn't working.
What is the number.
What if I can't remember the telephone number.
How will I get through this?
Breathe.
Dial again.
One more time. Try to stop shaking so you can dial the phone properly.
Did I dial right?
Wait for the office to pick up.
Don't panic, they will answer.
Ask for your husband.
Try to speak clearly so she can understand you.
Don't stutter.
You are alright.
Hang on, he is coming to the phone.
He hears the page.
Breathe.
Breathe slower.
My fingers are tingling.
Hang in there.
You can do this.
You are stronger than this.
Husband is on the phone.
Stuttering is bad.
It is getting worse.
Try to get out HIS name.
The dreaded name.
You have to say it.
You have to tell your husband what is wrong.
It's the same name as your son.
Stuttering so badly, husband is trying to not panic himself.
My mind tells me to get out HIS last name, so he doesn't think your son is the reason you are calling.
Last name. Say HIS last name. Last name is almost out of my mouth.
I don't have to finish.
Husband figures it out.
******!!!! HE's there!???!!!
Why the fuck is HE there?!!! What is HE doing there. Rage fills my husband's voice.
Try to explain.
Stuttering so badly.
Now my co-workers have overheard me crying and hyperventilating.
They come to find me.
What's going on?
Oh My God, Honey! What's wrong? It's HIM.
You are alright.
You are safe.
HE isn't back here.
HE doesn't know you are here.
More stuttering.
Can I talk to your husband?
Do you need me to talk to your husband?
Breathe.
You have to breathe.
Breathe slower.
You have to slow your breathing down.
My hands are shaking.
I grip my right hand to my left wrist so hard that I leave marks/welts on my left wrist.
I try to hang on.
Try to stop shaking.
Now my hands are shaking together.
My whole body is starting to tremble.
The tears are flowing down my face.
The hands won't stop shaking.
I can't hold the phone to my ear.
Stuttering.
Tears.
Hang on to the desk top. Stop the hands from moving.
Focus on just the shaking.
Make the shaking stop.
My whole body shakes so badly I look as if I'm going into convulsions.
You have to slow your breathing down.
You are stronger than this!!
HE is nothing!
He is stupid!
Don't let him do this to you!
You can do this.
Breath with me.
I try to apologize.
Do you have to hang up?
Do you have to go back to work?
Do you have to leave me?
Please don't leave me.
Don't leave me alone with this.
I can't get out.
I can't find my way out of the fog.
Please keep talking to me.
Find me.
Help me find myself.
Don't leave me now.
I'm sorry I got you away from work.
I'm sorry if you get into trouble.
My hands are numb.
My fingers are tingling.
I cannot think clearly.
Why?
What is going on?
Can you please close the blinds?
Someone comes back to tell me that he is gone.
I'm safe.
It's okay.
I tell my husband. I try to.
I'm stuttering in waves now.
Relief that he is gone.
He can't have the conference room.
That's what he wanted.
He can't have it.
The Director said no.
HE left now.
I'm hearing.
I understand.
I am safe.
My fingers are white.
My stuttering comes and goes now.
I'm starting to find calm.
HE can't just be here.
HE can't just come here.
Breathing.
I can talk a little bit.
I'm starting to calm down.
My fingers are getting pink again.
The tingling is going away.
The blinds are closed.
My co-workers are here.
They are concerned.
They tell me HE is gone.
They look on and tell me it's going to be alright.
Is everything alright?
Husband has to go now.
Tiny bit of stuttering.
Keep calm.
Breathe.
We can stay if you need us to.
I will sit with her for awhile.
Two of them say that they don't have to leave immediately.
I'm alright.
I will be alright.
They can stay until I am alright.
I'm getting alright.
They do stay.
The trembling fades.
My hands become more steady.
My stuttering is gone.
I can go out front.
I'm alright.
I am stronger than this.
I can do this.
There is no danger.
I am strong.

I'm embarrassed. I'm through this!

I win!

When Things Continue....

2011-11-10T11:28:00.000-06:00

I love it when it snows for more than one day at a time. It is still snowing today. Gently falling snowflakes.

The house is cozy with a hazelnut candle burning on the stove top. There is a faint scent of coffee in the air since the fresh pot is now done.

It's quiet outside. I can hear the snow.

Snowy Wisconsin Night
2010

I Love It When....

2011-11-09T21:03:00.000-06:00

I love it when it snows!

I love it when it snows. When I was 6 years old, we lived in Berkeley. On this particular day of memory, it was my birthday. I remember praying and praying for it to snow and Blessings upon Blessings, the Good Lord made it snow that day. I even have the photo to prove it.

So, here I am today, back in Wisconsin. It's November 9th, 2011 and it snowed. Not just a little poor showing of snow either! It snowed big, huge soft flakes that stick to every eyelash, limb, wire and blade of grass. It was completely wonderful.

I was and remain supremely happy.

Enough Gloomy Stuff

2011-11-08T14:47:00.000-06:00

Enuf ranting.
Enuf with my pity party.
I'm done.
I can choose to be happy, sad or bitter.
I choose HAPPY!

So, I updated my music selections. I know it IS a bit early for Christmas, sorry Wal-Mart, but I like Christmas music. It makes me happy.

My Mom played lots of Christmas music and she encouraged my desire to listen to it! We were without a lot of things, but Mom tried her hardest to make Christmas nice and cozy.

Thanks Mom! I hope you enjoy my music picks.

Endometriosis

2011-11-08T14:15:00.000-06:00

I'm on a pain rant I guess...

I was looking for some google images for endometriosis when I realized that almost all of the images are of slim, pretty ladies with their hair done and makeup on.

WTHeck?!! I'm on lots of endo boards and 99% of us are curvacious because we hurt too much to exercise! Not all of us, some are slender. However, when I'm hurting, the last thing I do is my face and hair. I'm just sayin'

Get some real images GOOGLE!!!

Breaking Heart

2011-11-07T21:19:00.000-06:00

This is where I write with waves of pain and frustration. This is a low. This is a downer. Okay, so disclaimer is written, read further at your own angst. Don't feel you have to - it is here that I vent. It is here where it is safe for my heart to openly break and weep.

****

***

Heartache over family without heart strings. No ties other than blood. No relationship except a bloodline. No regular contact. No phone calls. No emails. No letters. Nothing. Nothing unless they need something. Needing money. Needing physical labor. No friendships. No ties. No bonding.

I have my hubby's family. I'v been told to embrace them and make them my own. That's all fine and good since I do happen to love his parents, however, there is one brother with a wife and children - the only other married brother - the only other brother that lives in the same city. This brother's family unit ignore me. Completely. They ignore me and one of them tells vicious lies about me (and others, thankfully. Misery loves company). I won't go into details because it will only bring me down further.

My heartache is surfacing because the holidays are approaching. I don't want to spend the little bit of extra money we have on them - when we don't speak to eachother the rest of the year through. We hardly even look at one another at family functions! Hubby will be laid off the week before and after Christmas week. Medical bills plague us the rest of the year. Why do I need to give ANYTHING to them. Even a simple chocolate bar with a joke tied to it... why do I need to give anything to those that ignore me and wish I weren't even there? We don't even get a thank you from the most badly behaved niece.

I also don't want to spend my time at these gatherings any more. Why should I? I am ignored anyway. I also believe that maybe then they would enjoy the gathering without spending so much time and energy ignoring me. I am 40-something years old. I don't believe that I HAVE to spend time at superfluous gatherings where I am uncomfortable and ignored. Who needs that kind of stress? It's ridiculous to subject oneself to that much stress. It cause health problems. At the very least, it will cause a headache.

In addition to all of that garbage, I have recently been invited to Thanksgiving dinner hosted by my step-sister. I have yet to meet her and I believe that we have been step-sisters for almost 2 years. Our parents have been together for maybe 5 years. I complain that I don't have family close by. I cry becuase my half-brother is 3,000 miles away from me. My heart aches because I have tried to no avail to have a relationship with my brother-in-law's family. So, I want to take this opportunity to meet my step-sister. We may really hit it off and become friends. At the very least, we may be friendly enough to have a good time when we do gather for family occassions. That is all I dare hope for. The dilemma with this? My hubby wants nothing to do with it. I don't believe he has anything against my step-sister's family, he just doesn't grasp the whole step-family concept. Regardless, he isn't coming with me. He didn't even try to get out of it or change my mind. Nothing, no comments. He hasn't been to a family gathering of my side in years - except for funerals.

I get angry because I feel that I am expected to be there for his. No longer the case. I am 40-something years old and I refuse to subject myself to such stress and hostility. I need medication to get thru, for Pete's sake! I have tried to befriend said sister-in-law while she has not so much as even acknowledged me and my children. I love my Mother and Father-in-law and I get along with them. It will be hard to not be with them on "the day of", but I will see them before and after.

I am tourtured about being alone with no family ties other than to my children. I've been told that your family is who you make it. That is really NOT true. As much as my friend loves me, her family time is her own. Her family gatherings are her own. I really am not a part of that. Even with cousins, their family time belongs to them alone. We do not share a parent, therefore, we do not share certain family events. I had a whole family of step-siblings at one point in my life, but their mother and my father divorced. We are no longer a family. Distance has cast that into 'stone'. My half-brother is far away. He does not travel, I can no longer afford to go see him. His relationship is not a good one with our shared parent, therefore a wedge, of sorts, is between us.

People say they love me like a sister, but it really is NOT true, or I wouldn't be so alone. I wouldn't have this kind of heartache.

Distance and divorce can be devastating. I feel so alone often, but this time of year is really bad. The holidays. I honestly hate them. I get scroogy, bitter, depressed and cranky. The depression this year is bad.

Brought to Tears by Kindness

2011-11-06T15:41:00.000-06:00

Our Pastor is undergoing his second round of chemo. He has a rare cancer. He has become more than our 'pastor' he is our friend first. Our pastor, when we ask him to be. Our Christian journey has taken us to his church. We strongly believe that we are there to be a support for him and his family. Pastoral families undergo much by way of spiritual warfare. They live in a fishbowl. They are constantly NEEDED for something. Rare is the occassion when someone comes to call simply for the sake of friendship. Usually callers involved a spiritual need or other needs. We try to be the ones to vocally express "It's time for us to go, they are tired." or similar statements. We try to be the ones that support them in friendship and in other ways - mentally, physically and spiritually. This is not to say that we are the people they go to - this is to say that we feel it is our calling for going to their church in order to be available to them. We want nothing more (most of the time) than to simply be their friends. Not needy. Not tapping into them emotionally. We want to feed them. We desire it. It is a strong feeling - to just be there.

Anyway, to the tears... I had my "Meal Schedule" in hand and went 'round to other congregants asking them if they'd like to help out with this month's chemo treatments by delivering a meal towards the end of Pastor's treatment schedule. No one ever turns me down. I give them every possible "out" too. I usually start by saying, "This is the week that he goes for chemo. I'm organizing meals - would you like to bring the family a meal? Please feel free to say 'no'. I don't want anyone to feel overwhelmed or to get burned-out by regular monthly giving." They then usually tell me that yes, they'd like to help and please make sure that I ask them again next month.

The church family is coming up with some different ways and ideas to help out: groceries, shopping, laundry, cleaning, meals, driving, etc. It is so wonderful to see the outpouring of love that the church family has. It brought me to tears three times today. It was almost FOUR times, but I really held it all in with that last person.

I have heard of such church family love. I have even personally witnessed a small showing of church family love. However, I have never in my life experienced it on such a scale as this. I'm only the 'secretary' with the piece of paper organizing some names and promising to send reminders, but even I get thank yous for organizing it! Once we got home, I tried to explain it all to my family. However, I could not finish what I was thinking... I could not express the emotions I felt; not without breaking down into tears. I was just so touched. Did I feel like I was part of something? Did I feel like I was needed ~ I need to feel needed. What was I feeling?! I cannot explain. I am without adequate words.

The church building is special to me because it was my family's church before it was sold to this group. Before it was sold, it was a Lutheran church building and my husband and I were married inside of those walls. However, this church family is special to me for reasons I cannot put into words. I've had other church families. Some couldn't help but hurt us and one other was just as special - close to my heart. This one is different though and I cannot explain why. Quite honestly, I think it's the building ~ I have never been hurt in this building. Not emotionally or physically or even mentally. This place has only wonderful memories for me. I prayed before attending this church. God answered me. The words were, "You have never been hurt here, you will not be hurt here."

Tears in church are not uncommon in my church life ~ my journey as a Follower of Jesus. Tears of happiness. Tears of failure. Tears of deep soul wrenching hurt. Tears of betrayal, anger and righteous indignation. Tears of joy, regret and ending. However, this time, they were tears brought on by the kindness of strangers and aquaintances. I believe that since I cannot adequately put into words an explanation of what I experienced, the only conclusion I can come to is that of the Holy Spirit. My Pastor mentioned that he was under a spiritual attack last night ~ I believe that my experience was one of the Holy Spirit in church protecting and guiding.

When I pray for others ~ I only cry when the Holy Spirit descends. I believe that must be what I was experiencing today as well. Thank you Lord for your blessings. I pray that I can be a useful vessel and bring Glory to Your Name. ~Amen

My Church
My Safeplace
Autumn 2011

Loving My Job

2011-11-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

I get to do the scrapbooks at work! Yay!

It's daunting because there is more than 10 years worth of photos to sort, print/delete and cut and then scrap, but oh my!! Where else can I find a job that lets me scrap and doesn't hurt my body!!

Thank you Lord!

Halloween

2011-10-31T22:09:00.000-05:00

We have never done too much for Halloween. I'm not really sure I like the whole idea of it all. There are some that say it's 'just a fun holiday'. While others are bound to dislike it for reasons based on Christianity.

I tried to not make it into a big deal. Inevitably, someone would mention the whole candy thing. So, to counter that, we bought the children their very own bag of their favorite candy - and they didn't have to share. After all, most people today don't recognize the whole Christianity part of Halloween - they focus on the candy and dressing up as a princess or a train.

We tried to not make it into a big deal. Then comes the world - right within your very own family. "It's only innocent trick or treating." But don't we tell them to not take candy from strangers? Don't we make them hand over the candy for inspection prior to consumption? Don't we tell them to NOT go into a stranger's house? Don't we tell them to stay away from strangers? Don't talk to strangers? Teach them about stranger danger??!!!!

Good grief. So, we didn't do any of it --- on Halloween. However, we loved to dress up like Jedi, knights, kings, wizards, Romans, Sherlock Holmes and on and on. All year 'round, the children would dress up and play. They don't do that so much anymore because it isn't cool. It isn't the same! LOL So, they wait for Halloween and drama plays when others dress up -- and we dig out the capes, cloaks and hats. We change our voices to have accents from other countries.

Today, I dressed up for work. This is me from this year:

This was me last year 2010:

Messy Messy MESSY Room

2011-10-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

My room is a MESS!!! My roomS are a MESS!!! I need to clean my rooms.

My bedroom is a disaster with three loads of laundry waiting for folding; a big pile of library books waiting to be read; blankets waiting to be put away; carpet wanting to be vacuumed; shelves sneezing their way thru the layers of dust. It's terrible.

My studio is currently a dumping ground of projects waiting to be assembled and yarn trying to twist itself into a shawl.

Too fun. I actually love my rooms. They are my sanctuary, my place of zen. However, right now they are messy, messy, MESSY!!

So, what am I doing... I'm blogging! Well, right now I'm blogging, but, NOW, at THIS second, I'm saying good-bye to you and I'm posting this and logging off so I can go clean my rooms.

Vanishing Twin Syndrome ~ Psalm 139:16

2011-10-18T20:16:00.000-05:00

Psalm 139: 16 All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

I have to have faith. I have to believe in the Lord. For to not do so would cause me such heartache that I could not continue breathing. There are too many things that make sense in a world that is senseless.

1994. I was pregnate with twins. One twin 'vanished', the other survived. I didn't focus on this too much at the time because I was concerned more about losing the surviving baby. Ricky. My pregancy was then labeled as 'high-risk'. I figured it was due to high blood pressure or gestational diabetes.

Fast forward to July 1995 - I'm pregnate again. Sooner than I 'planned'. Actually, we weren't thinking of another baby just yet - we were planning on moving into the house we just purchased.

Then comes 1996 - all settled in with two children in tow. A new house, a hubby that worked the nigh shift, bills and lots of laundry.

Life is happening at an alarming pace. Sometime in between then and 2000, my first pregnancy and the 'twin thing' came up more often into conversations. Finally, Ricky asked about his birth story.

Vivid memories surfaced of those early ultrasound days. Being so happy to be pregnate. It was so hard to conceive. Two or three ultrasounds into my pregnancy we learned that we were having twins. Everyone in the doctor's office was so excited. We were overwhelmed, but unabashed.

Then, memories of when I started to spot. I'm at work. My husband is tired and exhausted. I'm spotting more. I cry to one of the other secretaries, she "yells" at me and tells me to go to the doctor. I tell her I'm afraid to. I don't want to hear that I may be losing my babies. She and my other co-workers soften. "It will be alright, but you have to go in now." they tell me. My doctor's office is across the street! Away I go. I'm immediately seen. An ultrasound is scheduled for NOW!

The ultrasound technician, Bob, once so happy for me having twins, is now quiet and cautious. He can't find the second baby's sac. The scan shows nothing, but Ricky. We do a trans-vaginal. Nothing, save Ricky. Bob is now very quiet. He tells me he has to go get another technician for a second opinion. Same results. The twin is gone.

I'm not shaken. I'm not crying. I am so concerned with saving my last baby that I don't give anything another thought.

Memories flooding to the surface during a time in my life when I am emotionally able to handle such a great loss. But, this is real. This is not make-believe. This is something that many women endure. For me, it has been slow in surfacing. I didn't want to give into that grief. Too much loss in my life already. But now... Now my Ricky wants to know about the twin. He said he's had dreams of his twin. We've not discussed the gender of the twin. I always felt the baby was a girl. Ricky tells me of his dreams and his twin is a girl. "Is that possible?" he asks. He knows it is possible, but he asks anyway. "Yes, she had her own sac." I tell him.

Ricky has seen his twin in his dreams. He describes his dreams for me. I ask him to again and again. Even Ben wants Rick to tell about the twin. Ricky obliges: They are deeply and emotionally connected and great friends. She knows him better than anyone. She is lots of fun. Light-hearted and fun. Full of love. She looks like his sibling, but not exact. Not identical. Her hair is long and very wavy and lighter in color than his. Her eyes are like his father's eyes - his brother's eyes - greenish hazel. Oh my... she's beautiful. When he awakens, he is sad and misses her. He feels like something is missing in his life. I understand.

I tell him that he has many characteristics of a surviving twin. I look up a few things on-line for him. I'm careful because some things are very new age and psychic-odd. I know that twins are very connected, but I don't want him getting into psychic readings and other world contacts. I tell him he has to wait until he meets her in Heaven. I found an article at this link http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Vanishing-Twin-Syndrome&id=99747 This one I like. It lists characteristics that Ricky has and it lists suggestions on how to help Ricky through his emotions.

Through all of this, my husband and I... mainly me... decide that we should name her. I feel badly for not doing this sooner. I don't want to keep referring to her as 'the twin', I want to name her. We go thru several of our original girl names, but we decide that we would have probably gone for 'cute'. We would have done something that matched "Baby Ricky". We tried out lots of ideas and settled on Nichole Lynn-Lopez Walters. "Baby Nicki" Ricky and Nicki. Nichole Lynn sounds very nice when disciplining. Nicki Lynn sounds sweet in conversation.

We discuss it all with Rick and Ben - we assure Ben that he would still have been born. He was an unexpected surprise - earlier than anticipated. I wanted my mother's ring to be green and gold -- Packer colors! Benny was early and I got a diamond and Citrine or Yellow Topaz. That's alright too!

My husband says, "A girl. I'd really be a nervous wreck!" I joked with him, "Not with brothers as big as hers. You wouldn't need to worry." Benny said, "You want to see my sister? Look at this instead! 'Bash!', goes his fist into the air.

My biggest heart-warming note to pass along to you - my husband cried. I didn't think it would mean as much to him as it does to me. Before we married, I asked him for six children. He joked with me, "Can I meet you half-way and give you three?" I agreed and we were married. Today, he cried with me. He held me. He was just as sad as I over the thought of never holding our daughter. He was just as sad (and even a bit relieved over the unknown) as I was over thoughts of what could have been. We were proud of how Ben reacted to stories of having a beautiful sister. We laughed at the thought of all three of them in highschool at the same time.

For years I've neglected to acknowledge Nicki. I was feeling such great loss at my infertility because of my endometriosis disease -- I wanted more children. I was supposed to have three. Sorry, Lord. You DID give me three children. You never promised that all three would live with me. So now my daughter has a name and we include thoughts of her into our conversations. I feel that a process has been completed for myself. For Ricky, the surviving twin, I can only pray that he will overcome some of the characteristics that he has as Nicki's survivor.

Luke 12:7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. 8“I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.

Jeremiah 29:11-15 NIV

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Psalm 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Autumn is Fading Away

2011-10-16T15:49:00.000-05:00

The weather is getting cooler and cooler.

The trees are dropping more and more of their leaves.

I'm able to wear my thicker scarves and a long sleeved t-shirt!

My toes are chilled in my black leather Converse One Star tenny shoes.

I'm wanting a warm mug of hot chocolate or chai tea.

The air smells like damp leaves.

The sounds I hear are geese and crunchy leaves.

Lap blankets are coming out of the back of the closet and getting freshened up in the laundry.

My summer blanket is just not quite enough at night any more.

Don't hate me ~~~ I started listening to my INSTRUMENTAL CD entitled, "A Coffee House Christmas"

In The Mood For a Walk Thru The United Kingdom

2011-10-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

I will not be able to afford a vacation to England unless I win the lottery. To win, I'd have to play!! I don't.

So, to offset my desire for all things England, I surround myself with books by English authors, music by English musicians, English instrument relaxation music, movies set in England and a visit to my internet friend, Annie's, blog: http://lavenderbasket.blogspot.com/

All of these make for wonderful, cozy-bedside-mini-vacations.

Final Weigh-In ~~ Dammit!

2011-10-11T11:45:00.000-05:00

My final weigh-in.... damn.... I lost the 2nd place position by .2 of a pound. I'm am honestly and truly mad at myself and sad about the whole thing.

However, my hubby cheered me up and INSISTED on going to Good Will like I had originally planned on. I first went thru my clothes and tossed out a big yard-size garbage bag of 'too-big' clothing pieces. That made me happy. I didn't really need anything from Good Will, as I've not thrown out all of my 'skinny clothes'. I had a few pieces I could still make work after all these years. I did find a pretty brown sweater and a top at Good Will though.

I celebrated my loss and my loss (lololing) by eating a tiny piece of dark chocolate pecan fudge from Seaquist Orchard. Very yums!

4 Days to go for the FINAL Weigh-In

2011-10-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

Only four days to go (including today) for the final weigh in for the local biggest loser that I joined 14 weeks ago.

I will post before and after pics after my weigh in. That should be fun. I haven't looked at the before pictures since they were taken. Nor have I taken any more measurements since that first day.

I plan on wearing the same clothing that I wore when I first weighed in. However, now I will be a bit chilly in them now! I wore capris and a black tank top and flip flops! It's now 14 weeks later and OCTOBER!!

I'm an excited nervous. My boss is going to win - he's lost over 10% of his body weight. I'm not sure what % I'm at, I just know I've lost weight!

I have to be really diligent this weekend. I'd like to drop three more pounds this weekend, but we are going on a road trip and then out to eat! Dang it! I even planned it for this weekend - what a dork I am! LOL That's alright. I plan on getting what I want, but then freezing it for later.

Wish me LOSS!!

Endometriosis ~ My blog, My Health, My Way

2011-10-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

My endo blog. I want women to take control of their own health. I believe that our society has become so dependant on the script pads of our medical care professions, that we fail to remember we are in charge.

I'm all for getting medical help when necessary. However, many people don't want to take the time to correctly care for their body. They just want a band-aid ~ a quick fix.

Taking care of my endo is taking a long time and it's work, but it's my only body and I want it to last!

http://tyrasendo.blogspot.com/

That's my link to my blog for my endo journey! Hope it helps you some.

My Favorite Blogs

2011-09-29T09:43:00.000-05:00

When I'm looking for rest and laughter on a blog, I go to: http://njoyforever.blogspot.com/

If I'm looking for a good read, I like: http://coffeeteabooksandme.blogspot.com/ I really mean a GOOD read - her writing is wonderful AND the authoress has book list links.

Sweet Tea Makes Me Happy http://sweetteamakesmehappy.blogspot.com/ is a fun read. I "know" the authoress from another internet chat room. Her blog title may be Sweet Tea Makes Me Happy, but her blog makes ME happy!

Sometimes my homeschooling journey is rough. That's when I like to visit: http://guiltfreehomeschooling.org/ This mother & daughter combo is a great boost for hs'ing families to keep it all together ~ to keep going for what is right.

I love to travel, but cannot go to the places I really want to - The UK, France, Italy and India. These two blogs help me to visit from my desk chair. Again, I "know" these two bloggers from a mutual internet chat room. Lavendar Basket, http://lavenderbasket.blogspot.com/ , is a wonderful and pretty blog. I love the photos that she takes. Although the photos make me want to visit the UK ever-the-more, they show me a part of that country that a tour guide would not. I'm so thankful for knowing her thru internet land. She is a lovely person.

I happened upon Two Years in Torino - again thru that same mutual internet chat room! They really are great women on that board!! The best part, if I had to pick only ONE part, of this blog: the pictures! She's a great photographer. She's also a great read because she is an American in another country. So, her viewpoint compares the two. She shares what my be the tiny details, but it is those same tiny details that I want to experience! http://llasblog.wordpress.com/   Again, if I were to visit Italy, I would not know the things that she describes in her blog. It's WONDERFUL to 'visit' Italy this way! Well... yes, I'd love to go to Italy, but since I cannot I will totally enjoy the blogs of my friends in other countries.

Another favorite place to visit and relax is at Susan's blog: http://mysummernotebook.blogspot.com/ She has other blogs too ~ I love them all. However, this one is about her hs'ing journey among other things. Susan's photos are soothing and beautiful.

There are many other blogs that I go visit regularly. I love the photos, the anecdotes, the humor, the prayer requests, the beauty of them all.   However, it is these blogs, especially, that are dear to me. I aspire to be like the beautiful women that write them. Thank you dear friends, whether I have met you face-to-face, over the telephone, only on-line, or not at all ~ your blogs bring me peace. I pray the same for you.

Photos of Me ~ Healthy Self Body Image

2011-09-28T21:19:00.001-05:00

Healthy Self Body Image

I saw of photo of myself today. I was cleaning up an area of my desk and there I was! I know I was smiling and I looked happy. I was very young. I may have been about 6 years old. That wasn't always a happy age for me, but I looked like I was having fun.

Then, while at work, I saw another photo of myself. I was working. I wouldn't let the Page take a picture of my face. I was happy and I was working with kids during a craft day. I didn't mind how I looked, but you couldn't see my face and I'm not going to tell you how old I am, but I know I was having fun.

While getting ready for work today, I caught a glimpse of me out of the corner of my eye and I thought I looked so fat and ugly. Not fun.

My husband said, "Honey, I love you how you are, but I hope you can finally get to that magic number on the scale that will make you happy too." I replied, "I will never get to that number. I don't know what it would be."

I will never be slender enough, healthy enough or have a jaw-line that makes me happy. I will always have something wrong with my self-image. Working on my self-image is a constant with me. Just when I think I'm having a great hair day, I'll catch a glimpse of a double-chin jaw line. I don't like wearing my hair up - I like to hide my self-imagined fat, double chin and neckline under all of that hair. Just when something may feel comfortable on my self-imagined fat-self, I'll get baggy, puffy eyes or a big honkin' pimple in the center of my forehead!! lol

I know that Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: He has made everything beautiful in its time. Therefore, since God has created me, I, too, must be beautiful to Him.

That should be enough, shouldn't it? I am content with what I have and I am truly happy, until I look at my body. My body makes me so angry sometimes! It does not do what it should do. While I am disciplined - it is only to a point. I am lazy and I get tired. If I were more ...... then I'd be ....... However, I know me very well - I like to cozy up on the couch or with my pillows, coco and a great big pile of books!!

For many women it isn't enough. It should be enough that I am the best friend that I can be; the best wife and mother that I can be; the best daughter I can be. It should be enough that I am the best 'ME' that I can be. I should take comfort in my warm, cozy, loving home. For the most part I do find comfort in all of that. 99.9% of the time. My life is showing some nice things - nice results. I am in no way near completion ~ I want someone to call me 'Gran' someday and I want to be there to hear it and enjoy it.

Maybe that's when I will have a healthy self-body image ~~ when my grandchildren call me Gran and we eat a pan of brownies together! Ahhh... I can't be too slender with my love for brownies!! I don't really want to exclude brownies from my life either! I guess I could say, 'Love me and my brownies!' and then I will get rid of the mirrors!

Telephone Headache

2011-09-26T14:13:00.001-05:00

I was taking a nap - a quick short 15 min. nap. Wouldn't ya' know... that phone rang. Dang-it. Right now we don't have an answering machine to pick up the calls, so I had to get up.

I don't know about you, but when I nap and it's cut short, I get an immediate headache. I suppose I'll have to take a swig of caffeine to make it go away. I think a different weather pressure system when through that is not helping the headache situation.

Honey, I'm home!

2011-09-24T18:08:00.000-05:00

It was a long week this week. Nothing horrible, it was just extra hours. I was able to cover for some of the workers, so I gained quite a few extra hours. It will GREAT on my next paycheck! That's always a good thing. Dare I even say it.... 'and just in time for Christmas!' THERE. I said it! Sorry! ha~ha.

Anyway, now I'm done with my unusually busy week and I'm home relaxing. Sort of. I want to put my pjammies on, but if I do - I'll fall asleep! So, to stay awake, I'm reading all of the blogs that I follow!

I think I'll just put on my slippers.

So Tired Tonight

2011-09-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

Had an awful nightmare last night. Woke me up at 2:30 a.m. Hubby had to work until 2a.m. and I had to wake for work at 6:00 a.m. I only had a few hours of sleep. I can feel it in my legs. As I type I'm making lots of mistakes -- correcting them as I go tho'!!

The nightmare. When I have nightmares of that magnitude, I usually have to call on God to protect my vulnerable sleeping self. I have to ask Him to hold my mind in His hands, thus shielding it from the enemy.

I ask for Guardian angels for every door of the house and one for each corner of our property and then an extra big one to cover our home with his wings.

I then go thru the Lord's Prayer, but I imagine a picture for each phrase. It helps take my mind off of the awful images that are from my nightmare. Thus making me think of different and more peaceful things.

Our Father Who art in Heaven

Hallowed by thy name.

Thy Kingdom Come

On Earth

As it is in Heaven.

Give us this day,
our daily bread.

Forgive us our Trespasses,

As we forgive those
who trespass against us.

Lead me not into temptation,
(Okay, so this IS the funny part of me!)

Deliver (protect) us from evil.
We had to purchase this print for our oldest
son one year when he was afraid.

For Thine is the Kingdom

And the Power,
And the Glory

Forever and ever

I know that it may seem kooky, but it gets me thru the bad nightmares and I can usually get back to sleep. It used to be that I couldn't get back to sleep. I'd just get up and stay up. I'd have to watch a movie and even then sometimes I wouldn't fall back asleep!

Automatic Emailing of posts

2011-09-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

To those of you that are getting this email, I just wanted to let you know that unless you specifically ask me to continue sending an automatic blog post via email - I'm going to stop doing that. Someone mentioned that reading some of my more personal blogs are painful to read. That some of my posts just bring them heartache.

I so very much do not want to impose on anyone. If you would like to continue receiving the automatic emails, please let me know.

If you would prefer to view my blog at your leisure, you may follow this link: http://heavenleiislandsofpeace.blogspot.com/ and do as you wish.

If I don't hear from you, I will be clearing the automatic emailer soon.

I don't want anyone to read posts that will make them feel any heartache. I don't need an audience, I just enjoy blogging. I've always wanted my testimony to be helpful, never to bring heartache.

I did say, "I'm sorry. You don't have to read it you know. I can take you off of the automatic emailer." That's my advice to anyone, you don't have to read it. Please don't feel obligated.

Blessings to you~

Fish

2011-09-21T21:42:00.000-05:00

This isn't a fish of ours, but thank yous
to the owner for taking such a nice photo!

I think I'd like to get a fish.

Just a simple beta fish, but I want a small tank with an air hose system so I can hear the water gurgle at night.

I'd like the light for a night light too.

Spider Dew

2011-09-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, we awoke to a foggy morning. The sun was not to break through for several hours. When the sun's rays finally found us, what we saw was a wonderful display of Spider Art-work. We were on our way to church and I did not have my camera with me. Since then, I have opened my eyes to either sunny mornings or rainy mornings. That is, until this morning!

This morning, I awoke to a light fog. My hubby remembered that I wanted to go look for spider webs the next time we had a dewey morning! What a sweetie. He said he'd drive and I could look.

We were not disappointed.

Spider colony

Two different types of webs.

This was a neat shot.

Webs, practically on top of

one another, but not.

Not the best web design, but my best shot.

The morning light was great.

As I was taking pictures, I almost stepped right into an occupied web. I'm so glad I didn't. The resident spider looked big and sloshy. The abdomen alone was 2" long and very fat and squishy looking. Then add head and legs... still gives me goosebumps just describing it!

I have to say that, there must be a tremendous food supply for all those spiders to have enough to eat. By this size of the ones I saw, they are not starving! Since that is the case, I'm glad God made spiders ~ without them, just imagine the rest of the bug population! eegads!

Creative Changes

2011-09-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

Being creative with Shabbyblog

I wanted to do something fun and pretty with my blog. I stumbled across a fun little site called, shabbyblogs.com The site is loaded with fun freebies. Just love it!

I enjoyed making the changes to my blog ~ changes in color and font and the header. There are a few more creative changes I'd like to try, but I have to take the tutorials first!

Budgeting

2011-09-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

We are trying our best to stick with a written out budgeting plan. Right now we are utilizing a mostly cash system. It is working out really well and none of us feel like we are missing out on the fun things.

We did have someone to help us figure out where everything went and continues to go, that wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. We really are on the right track, we just have a few areas to tweak. A complete make-over is not needed. One of the simple things she told us was to write it all down - duh!! Another was to write out our goal(s) and dreams. It is very important to have a dream to strive toward.

She simply gave us different ways to look at things and she reminded us to set money aside for gifts and fun times. I was really down before we went to talk with her, but she helped me realize that we really are doing the very best we could be doing and that our debt is not bad at all. Bigger than what I want, but not big, bad and scary.

I assure you I don't NEED the kleenex
box that you see in the photo due to
bills!!

I am thinking of making some home-made cash 'envelopes', because it hasn't taken long for the envelopes to become tattered. Other than the envelopes, our fancy budgeting system consists of a notebook, a plastic coupon organizer, a pencil and a calculator.

We have our treat night once a week - which sometimes consists of a home-made immatation Starbucks Chai-tea. This week none of wanted anything special and we didn't want to go anywhere. So, I bought a variety of donuts at Festival Foods! I painted my fingernails with a new color. The donuts and new nail polish cost under $8.00.

We have always utilized the library system for movies, books and magazines - free unless you return them late. When we read about a new movie, we all ask, "Is this movie ticket-worthy or can it wait until it comes out on DVD?" Usually, the guys don't want to spend the money on tickets! They'd rather keep their money and watch it for free. Also, we've been really lucky with new movies being released around our birthdays; the ticket becomes part of the birthday gift!

It's all about being creative and teaching our guys contentment. It's about re-teaching my hubby and I. It's about having faith. We all get sloppy and emergency $$$ situations happen, but coming back to basics, having a dream and goals to strive for and being able to strive for those dreams, brings a wonderful feeling of accomplishment versus despair.

Surprise! "I Got Married!!"

2011-09-06T21:07:00.000-05:00

No, not me. I'm already married! Gotcha!

My little brother got married today. He didn't tell anyone, he just went and got it all done and legal.

I now have a Sister-In-Law and a (step) niece, Fallon.

I didn't know if I should be mad, sad, happy or hurt - I chose them all, but focused on the happy most. I don't know why he didn't tell us ahead of time - many reasons probably. I'm just glad he did tell me!

Spondylometaphyseal Dysplasia

2011-09-05T17:44:00.000-05:00

My niece, Norah, was born July 27th (2011) She was born with 'growth anomalies that coincide with spondylometaphyseal dysplasia'.

My step-sister, Shauna, has blossomed into a beautiful woman. She and her husband and their 3 yr. old son - are all very concerned, as Norah was taken back into the hospital.

She assures me, through her blog, that Norah has some of the best caregivers, EVER!! LOL I certainly hope so.

That's a big term for such a little girl.

Quite A Few Girls in Homeschooling

2011-09-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

We were at a homeschool (hs) graduation party today. (Which was lovely and gave my husband and I some good ideas for our own grad parties coming up. Planning is already in our heads.) Another Hs'ing Mom and I noticed just how many girls there are in the surrounding hs'ing area. In her family there are 6 girls and 1 boy. Another family has 8 girls and 1 boy. Yet, our family - all boys. There's another family with 6 or 7 boys and 1 girl. Many variations, but still the girls outweigh the boys.

I am grateful when I meet a hs'ing Mom that has more than one boy and she educates them at home! I'm grateful when I meet other hs'ing families that go all the way through high school in their home educating life style!!!!! (And yes, I DO mean all of those !!!!! marks.)

Back at the graduation party, when we noticed just how many girls were present, I said, "Well, someone has to raise Godly young men for these lovely young ladies. It might as well be us."

Then I thought, 'that is quite the statement of faith to make so glibly'. When we were home I asked my husband how he thought we were doing so far. We ARE almost done with our hs'ing journey, afterall. Hubby seems to think we are doing fine. I can only see the piles that I want to get them through.

Hubby is a great Yang to my Yin. I create a calm home, but he calms me when I am a emotional mess.

When I fret about hs'ing our guys, he says, "You've done great."

...and when we were asked, "What about high school?" We replied, "Can we just get through Kindergarten first?"

Learning to Trust After Abuse

2011-08-31T21:47:00.000-05:00

As a child and then teenager, I was sexually abused and assaulted often. Sometimes I have issues with trust.

In my (blog) autobiography, Me, Myself and The One I Forgot, I write: Eventually, as an adult, I went to see a rape counselor. We couldn't afford counseling so I went to a free clinic in the next city. It was sponsored by ASTOP. My counselor was wonderful. She help me tremendously. I was whizzing through therapy and was sometimes a step-ahead of her. Like the time I went in with a photo of me taken the summer I was enter Kindergarten. She said that was a step towards healing - to see the child you were when you got hurt.

I still have a long way to go, and then somedays I'm right there and healthy. I survive by disassociating myself from her - the 5 year old me - the 6 year old me. I still don't like to be alone. I still double and triple check the locks even after hubby does. I don't consider my "girl parts" as PART of me. They are their own entity. I see photos of me and I say things like, "She was so sad." or "That poor little girl." I wrote a letter to her once telling her it was okay to be with me - the adult me, but she has never really emerged.

I still find that I am completely disassociated with my girl parts. I still catch myself referring to little me, as "her". I don't know that one can completely heal after living the childhood and young adult life that I have lived. Maybe if you are reading this and you are completely healed, email me privately. I had always hoped that my experience could help someone, but honestly, I can't help someone if I'm not totally healed myself. However, maybe some healing can give some healing.

This all came to the front of my thinking because I stumbled across the facebook page of someone that made me bleed. Ironically enough, one of his comments under a photo of him holding a huge semi-automatic weapon read: "What's that you say you have for my daughter? The utmost respect?" I was floored! Not only does this guy have past felony charges, but he raped me! Does his darling daughter know that her father had so many girlfriends that we probably should have taken an HIV test? Does his darling daughter know that he raped me? Does his daughter know that he had sex with more than one girl at a time? Does she know how shallow he was and how he wanted us all to wear the same type of undies - that he wanted his girlfriends to smoke, because he thought it was sexy - that he tried to drug us when we were with him - that he would beat us if we tried to break up with him? I'll bet not. I would never dream of ruining her image of her father, because maybe he is a great dad, but I sure wish someone would slap that awful smirk off of his face in that picture with the gun! His eyes still creep me out. I was scared all over again and felt my stomach drop.

I would like to think that all of my abusers and assailants have repented and are now Christians. I want to believe that they are sorry and would like to tell me that they are sorry, but can't because they don't know how to contact me. Ah, but the bitter, abused me knows that some of them can't contact me because they don't even know my name! They guys that molested me when I was in Kindergarten - they don't know my last name or where I am. The guys that robbed our tiny Berkeley apartment, they don't know who I am. Those two girls that tried to have sex with me, they don't know my last name either. The drunk guys - too drunk to even remember anything. The boys from Middle School? One is a Christian, but he hasn't tried to contact me. The other 3 or so, I don't know if they are Christians or not, but they know how to reach me thru class reunion stuff. I highly doubt that they will ever acknowledge what they did and said to me. The guys from my early high school years, some know how to reach me, but there hasn't been any contact. The other part of me knows that I cannot judge, lest I be judged. I cannot demand justice (especially since no one went to court) because justice is the Lord's. The humble me knows that I too have hurt people that I cannot find to apologize to - albeit I did not rape anyone! I have my own baggage. I have to trust that God will take care of it in His time.

The healing has to come from inside of me. This I know and believe. If I cannot function on a day-to-day basis, then my abuses win. They win again and again. I know that since I still live in the same community, I am bound to cross paths with some of those that hurt me sexually. Usually, I am prepared for that. Usually, I make other arrangements and stay away from them!! However, there are a few instances where I am taken by surprise ~ like on facebook.

Most of my days I feel totally healed. I feel totally healthy and healed. I love my life and my world around me. I can find so much in the world that makes me happy and keeps me wanting to experience more beauty. I love the Lord and I love doing things that I think the Lord wants me to do in His world. For the Lord's ever loving embrace, for His beautiful world and His blessings ~ I am content and happy. I choose whom I see and when. I choose whom I help and how. I choose my busy-ness. God is always in control of my surrounding world though - sometimes I think He likes to toss a surprise in there to keep me on my toes.

Sometimes I wonder if God allows certain things to happen so I am focused on Him and His healing. So I learn to blindly TRUST Him - like a child. Like the child of Christ that I am.

How is Your Writing?

2011-08-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

A fellow blogger posted in February on the importance of keeping our posts clean and free of garbage words (Thank you Denise). Extra, unnecessary words. Words that my high school English Instructor called excessive, cluttery and redundant. He didn't like the word: alot. He explained that 'A LOT is a piece of land. Do you mean a piece of land or very much?' That bit of instruction stays with me. That bit may be all I can remember.

Another bit of information is the excessive use of exclamation marks. I am guilty of that error. I went back over a few pieces of mine to check for excessive exclamation marks. I re-read them when my emotions weren't as high or low. Many times I'm writing out of pure emotion. My blog writings are a release for me. I noticed that when I re-read a piece, I didn't need that exclamation mark. Excessive use of exclamation marks in my writings gave out the impression that I am much more emotional and outgoing or exhuberant that I am in person. The message was conveyed just as clearly without the exclamation mark(s).

I am thankful for other authors and writers sending out reminders and tips. The one thing I don't want to be is a poor writer! I do mean that strenuously too.

Island Girl Finds Water in the Midwest

2011-08-21T19:49:00.000-05:00

The tide was coming in. The waves were getting bigger and bigger. The sound was amazing and loud.

One of the many beautiful views from our days on vacation. I was lovin' the sailboats. They seem to be so peaceful. There were many on water that weekend.

I was inspired to take up my paint set that weekend. I should have brought my set with me, because once I got home, the inspiration had to be tucked away... for just a short time. I will get back to my painting again some day.

For now, I will do the laundry joyfully. For it means that I have a family bringing me the kind of joy that no paintset can paint. My family brings me a certain kind of peace that canvas cannot portray. While the dishes may leave my finger tips a little wrinkly, my husband and children leave laugh lines around my eyes that run deep into my heart.

However, I will always keep my paint supplies close at hand!

2011-08-21T19:39:00.000-05:00

Black-eyed Susans

one of my favorite flowers.

2011

Here Come the Tomatos!

2011-08-21T19:37:00.000-05:00

The Beginning of 2011 Salsa!

The basket today was filled with Black Cherry Tomatos; Romas and hmm... another kind (LOL)

I love the difference in color between the Black Cherries and the Romas. The flavor is amazing.

My Grape Tomatos are all still green, so I don't have any to show you yet.

We had several with blossom end rot, I hope it won't be a problem this year, but if this basket is any indication, it won't be.

My Gardening Companion,
Sophie.

Our tomato picking companion, Sophie! She looks so happy about our first basket of tomatos... doesn't she? What a goofy poochy! She likes to follow me around the yard as I make my way through each garden. I wish I could have finished her Therapy Dog Training, however, it wasn't meant to be. Regardless of formal training, Sophie is the best dog I've ever had.

When the Baby of the Family Speaks His Mind...

2011-08-18T13:26:00.000-05:00

My husband, in the birth order of his family, is the baby of the family. He is easy going. Very easy going. He has an extremely 'slow fuse' and keeps his calm when others don't. He is the peace-maker and his love language is Time Spent.

This weekend, after a long week of being disregarded by his family, namely his brothers, he had enough and spoke his mind. He was loud and clear, not rude or obnoxious, just very clear and well spoken. Everyone was stunned. Apologies were made by some, but not by everyone ~ why is it that the unmade apology is the most coveted? Regardless of that, apologies WERE made and thoughts were explained. Attempts at making amends were acknowledged.

It is difficult to make verbal, face-to-face apologies, but doing so, is important. It is a lost art. Many young people are crass and without any tact. Many were not taught the lost art of making an authentic apology.

It's a shame, because an authentic apology can heal so much. If you need to apologize, don't delay. Do it as soon as possible.

Duffle Bags, Back-packs, Messenger Bag and Purses

2011-08-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

My 20 yr. old Avon bag

I love the sound a duffle bag makes when it is being filled. It's a muffled scrunchy sound in lined bags and a fabric zipping sound in unlined poly bags. The zippers don't just 'zip', it's more muted.

A friend of mine was recently packing up her duffle with her make-up and toiletries. She just plopped, plopped and dropped items into her bag. One after the other, the items made that quiet, indistinct sound that I find so soothing.

When we travel, I take my duffle that is pictured above. It's an old Avon bag and it's lined. I love it not only for the spacious cavern it hides, but also for the lining which keeps things dry when I'm at the beach or pool. The alternative is that it keeps my damp items, inside the bag, from getting my dry items, outside the bag, wet. This old bag is about 20 years old. It's has traveled to California and back a gazillion times - to Montana, Idaho, Oregon, Nebraska, Iowa, Madison, Minnesota and Door County. It makes that soft muffled crunchy sound when I fill it.

I have this flowered duffle, an old Nike duffle from high school, an old Puma bag from high school and a humungous green duffle.

The other bag I love is a back-pack. My current 'purse' is a pink Hello Kitty back-pack that I found at a rummage sale. She's wonderful! If you look closely, you will see that Hello Kitty is perched upon another, albeit flat, back-pack --- just like a kitty!

Hello Kitty

I have about 5 back-packs just for myself alone! My guys just recently bought me a messenger bag with the Skillet logo on it too!

When doing any kind of traveling, it's great to have duffles with long straps. I feel like a pack animal, but I can carry three long strapped bags on one shoulder along with a back-pack slung on for added weight! Usually, there will be another back-pack in my hand or over my forearm. Soft-sided and squishy, bags are great for traveling with kids in tow! They are washable and can be squeezed into small areas or under seating areas.

I won't even get started on purses!!!

Day At the Lake

2011-08-12T17:39:00.000-05:00

We spent the day at the lake today. About 8 hours. It was wonderful. Cousins got to reconnect, brothers got to mess around and anyone who wanted got to go out on the boat!

I enjoy boating, but I get a bit dizzy. Since I ate, I decided to not barf on anyone and stayed on shore. I took a WONDERFUL nap instead. A nap by the lake shore is absolute bliss. I had my thin summer comforter and listened to my son talk away while I slipped into slumberland. Listening to the sounds of the waves, my son's voice, motors off in the distance, leaves rustling in the breeze, songbirds and gulls; I was able to drift off into complete relaxation. The breeze kept me the kind of cool that helps one drift into sleep.

When I awoke, it was to the sounds of my nieces' laughter while they played a game called, Washers, with my Brother and Father-in-Law. I rolled over, propped my head upon my duffle bag and watched the sun filter through the quivering birch tree leaves. I popped in an ear piece and listened to my MP3 player for a bit - Al Green crooning a tune for me. When I was fully awake and coherent enough to join the conversations, I grabbed Better Homes and Garden magazine and the book, Soul Surfer. I was able to get through two magazines and almost half of the book before the rest of the crew came in from boating. (I didn't realize that Bethany Hamilton from the book was a homeschooled kid. Yay, Bethany!)

We had cold meat sandwiches, chips, dips, bar desserts and cookies. There was water, soda and few other beverages. It was a great day for snacking as the breeze was just enough to keep most of the flies away and there wasn't a mosquito around.

The weather, at first, was overcast and cool. We did get a few sprinkles, but nothing major. Those clouds were too high to produce anything worth running to shelter for. The breeze was perfect and the sun peeked out for most of the time. This made for a very calm lake which was great for skiing and tubing. Eventually, the breeze switched directions and became a bit more stronger. We stayed anyway. Finally, everyone was tired and wanted to go home.

I got to drive my niece home and my guys went home with an uncle. Kid Swap! LOL We had a nice time together during the ride home, lots of laughter and fun -- although finding some good rockin' music on the radio was a bit tough.

Hubby had to leave a bit early since he still had to work today, but everything else made it a beautiful day ~ we were all truly blessed.

Puppy Sitting

2011-08-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

We are puppy sitting. He's a cute little Border Collie that misses his family to the extreme. We play with him and cuddle him, etc., but today, he had enough. He peed all over my couch cushions, ate a library book, peed on my foot later, almost ran away one night, and got beat up by the cat - who is now in hiding.

But he's so cute! He has one ear up and the other one flops down and he tilts his head to one side when you talk to him. Of his 10 toesies, one of them is black - the other are white.

So sad though... poor little poop-head! It's a good thing he is so cute!

The In-Laws Are Home

2011-08-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

My husband's family is home. He has family in another state - in another part of our state and within the same city as we live. All three of the four are all home. Just today, in fact, and already the tensions have started. The fourth doesn't come home until Friday.

Two of the older siblings say inconsiderate remarks to our children --- but while we are not around. Comments about everything from their attire, activities, schooling, date, hair, eating habits, etc. I'm already sick of it all and it's only been a few hours.

I just want to officially say that some people can be real jerks. It's so very cowardly to 'pick on' teenagers ~~ while their parents aren't there! WTH??? Teenagers are self-conscious enough as it is! Now their family members are going to tease them mercilessly?!! They are NOT fat, however, they are over 6'3" tall at 15 yrs. and 16 yrs. old. They can lift some pretty hefty weight with those bodies~! Their feet are huge! One has long-ish hair and the other just feels awkward about everything about him - compared to others.... sigh.... on top of all that, we homeschool them.

Arbonne 7-day Body Cleanse

2011-08-09T08:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I started the Arbonne 7-day Body Cleanse. I will update every day on my Food and Fasting journal page. I looked and looked online for other testimonies, but I didn't find any that were satisfactory. I hope that mine will be more thorough, but not too gory in details!! So, if you are interested in knowing how it works or made this user feel, please feel free to read my journal page. I will update it daily.

Please keep in mind that I have always tried to eat as healthy/organic as possible. I also try to keep as many chemicals (duh, that would be organic) and soy out of my system as possible. Also, while not a vegetarian, I do eat lots of veggies. I juice when I am able. I also believe in fasting. BUT!!! I am really lazy and I hate to do most exercise work-outs. I'd rather go for a hike.

Taco Lunch

2011-08-05T14:33:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh! Is there anyone out there that does NOT like tacos? I don't know of anyone in my life that has told me that they do NOT like tacos.

How many tacos can you eat? I can eat about 6 if I want to be a piggie. My guys can eat about 7 soft shells in one sitting or 8 hard shells.

We stuff 'em with meat, salsa, spinach, cheese, sour cream.... yums! I love taco tho' because they don't hurt my tummy later - think gluten - there isn't any gluten in my taco shells, so I can eat and eat and eat and eat - and not hurt later.... unless I eat more than my guys ate!!!

I don't have a picture for you today tho' because we ate during the photo shoot!!!

Towards the end of the meal, I scoop up the drippings with tortilla chips!~ Quick, easy, messy and so much fun!!

Tummy Troubles

2011-08-04T21:49:00.000-05:00

My tummy feels yucky. I have a gluten sensitivity and the other day I ate too much gluten. Then today, I ate a snack mix with wheat pieces in the mix. Usually I make my own snack mix and forego any parts with gluten, but I just love rye chips so I add those and then I try to stay away from them!! I ate too many today and now my tummy is all gurgly and blechy.

My extremely extended, painfully
bloated tummy.
Usually, it's flat!

I couldn't even get my pants to comfortably close that day! It isn't quite as bad today, still tender, but not quite as distended.

Cooking for the week

2011-08-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Usually, Tuesdays are busy for me. Not because I have a busy day at work, but because it's the day that I clean out the frig and cook for the week.

First things - first. The frig gets cleaned out and re-organized.....

Choosing what to cook is fun! I go thru the recipes and ask my guys what sounds good. We go thru all of my favorite and easy recipes. I have quite the pile of copies, rip-outs and books.... they're everywhere! This is my "go-to" pile. We pick out what we want to make based on several things - what is left over in the frig and what I have on hand. I won't shop in bulk until Thursday, so I have to use what is already here. Fresh items like spinach or onions don't count. I get those when I need them.

When I find a recipe that I want to make, but don't have the items, I clip it to my grocery list and hang it from the frig door.

Then it's time to get to cooking. While the crock pot is going, so is the oven and the stove top! As one meal after the other is completed, everything is cooled and then stored.

Dishes are done in batches all morning and into the afternoon, until everything is cleaned and put away. I had lots of dishes today!!

This week we chose:

Chili Mac Casserole for lunch and leftovers tomorrow.

Meatloaf and a side of Zucchini Rice Cheese casserole.

Roast Beef 'Hash' with eggs. I'll make my eggs scrambled with spinach in them.

Chicken Enchiladas with a spinach salad.

Minestrone Meatball soup. With garlic bisquits. (It's a combination of two recipes: Italian Wedding Soup and Minestrone.)

I'm also to try Lazy Pierogie from a Gooseberry Patch recipe book. Basically, it's mashed potato lasagna - no tomato base. This with a veggie on the side.

This all means that today the beef roast is in the slow cooker; the chicken was cooked this morning and is now cooling on the stove top; the meat loaf is in the oven right now with potatos and will cool later; the meatballs are already made (my Mom's recipe) and are in the freezer and everything else is waiting in the pantries or frig!

My desserts this week are going to be Creamy PB Chocolate Bars and a home-made from scratch cake.

I think we are all set! Now when both my hubby and I are working, the guys can just fill up a small casserole dish and pop it into the oven!

Kombucha

2011-07-31T18:19:00.000-05:00

In the recent heat wave(s), my kombucha fermented quite a bit faster than I had antipated! When I poured it out - ahhhh.... it was so fizzy and the color was beautiful.

Then I tasted it! EEGads!! vinegary, but still drinkable. It has to be very cold tho'

Day Out with My Son

2011-07-29T08:56:00.000-05:00

Today is a rare day. It is a day when I only have one child with me! We are going to spend the morning running errands, but then we are going to our favorite burger joint for a greasy and yummy cheeseburger with fried onions, fries and a malt.

Then we are on our way to the local Game Stop to price an X-Box. We want to save our money for one for Christmas and we need to know what we are in for.

After Game Stop it's a walk around the mall and then we will end our day with a Starbucks Chai frappe ~ WITH WHIP!!

A little peek at my Heaven-Lei life~

Chimpunk Trails

2011-07-29T08:25:00.001-05:00

I was watching our resident chipmunk the other morning. It was an early misty morning and my bedroom windows were open. I could actually hear the little nutter scurrying about on the woodpile! I got out of bed and decided to sit quietly in my window seat rocking chair and watch him while the rest of the world woke up.

Nutter's view of the top of the fence.

Nutter went from the shed to the fence. Up the fence he went to get the last little kernels of corn on the ear attached to the cob holder. Leaning against the fence is an old wood ladder that I use as a trellis for my pea vines - down the ladder he goes and then disappears into the tomato jungle below.

Black Cherry Tomato vine

It isn't long before Nutter appears darting out of the garden and back towards the barn red shed. Watching Nutter move about is like viewing his movements with a strobe light on - very jerky. To the shed door he darts, but then decides to check out the fence line in front of the tomato jungle. Back and forth he goes. Sometimes he stands up on his hind legs and sniffs at the, yet green and unripened, Black Cherry Tomatos.

Little Red Shed
Looks hugemongous from
Nutter's viewpoint.

Now back to the red shed front. Checking out the birdseed droppings, he packs a few seeds into his cheek pouches and then darts to the next garden, again sniffing at the still unripened Black Cherry Tomatos. Nutter is so cute as he stands on his hind legs leaning on the chicken wire to sniff at the small green balls. The way he and I are positioned, I get to see his underbelly - a creamy color. Quick as lightening he is up on the chicken wire and jumps down into the garden - which at this time is a mass of turkey grass that didn't get pulled in the recent heat wave. He disappears again amongst the weeds and potato plants, shaking the dew wet leaves as he goes. It is from here that he makes his way to the wood pile.

From there I lost him. It will have to be another quiet morning for me to be able to watch him at such lengths again. I will see Nutter now and again during the afternoons, but quiet mornings are what we enjoy the most.

New Found Down-Time

2011-07-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

I really haven't had much to say in a week! I can hardly belive that! It all seems kinda... boring! :)

Well, I've been enjoying my down time. I was used to attending a meeting and taking care of Gram on Tuesday evenings. Now that she is gone, I don't have her to 'visit' on Tuesdays - the meetings don't seem as necessary anymore either. There is a Bible study that I could attend on Tuesday evenings, but that doesn't seem to be something that I need to attend either.

So, what have I been doing on my open Tuesday evenings? I've been spending them with my children! Time well spent - and NOT boring!!

It takes some people a long time to remember how to relax - I guess that's me. My home is very relaxing, it's just that I need to re-programme myself.

Got to call Gramma...

2011-07-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

I woke up thinking I had to call Gramma today. I don't have that kind of coverage on my land-line or on my cell phone.

The next step of my day was to work out. A 20-min. morning work out. The video I grabbed was Rob Bell's Matthew. I didn't INTEND to watch this video. I didn't even know we had it. It was the first thing my fingers touched and I popped it into the DVD player and started working out.

Why am I always surprised when God reaches down and sends me a warm fuzzy?

If you need this, I hope it helps. If you don't need this - maybe you know someone that does.

Whatever your needs are ~ Blessings to you.

John 11:33
John 11:35 ~ Jesus wept. ~ So can I.
Psalm 71:20

Biggest Loser Contest - NOT with the TV show tho'

2011-07-15T19:18:00.000-05:00

I work for the City. Some of the ladies in City Hall decided to start a Biggest Loser contest for City employees and I joined! Monday 7-11-11 was the day of registration. The final weigh-in is Oct. 10th.

There was a $10.00 registration fee and if you gain 1 pound or more, you have to pay in $2.00.

First place winner gets the registration money and Second place winner gets the 'weight-gained' money. You might want Second place!! I asked my boss if he would join too, so I wasn't the only one from our 'department'. There were 8 people that joined when I asked on Monday morning, so that's $80.00, minimum, for First place! I'd spend it all at GoodWill on new clothes! Whether I win or lose, another incentive for me is that I'm not buying anymore clothes until Oct. 11th. (Except for maybe a new bra, if I my current 'slings' become too baggy!) I happen to have that day off from work, so I will be SHOPPING!!!

I made up a calendar that has different exercises/activities and a menu. I'm excited and hope that I have a good showing. However, I had a rough start this week... I threw out my hip and had to take this first week very slow. Instead of a big exercies/activity program, I simply cut back on how much I ate. Finally, yesterday, I was able to go for a short 20 min. hike - on gentle terrain.

My hubby took a "First day" picture of me and we took my measurements on my arms, stomach, hips and thighs.

I have a plan. Of course I have a plan, we all have a plan! Since weigh-ins are on Monday mornings, after I have weighed in, Monday becomes my "Free-day". A free-day where I can eat what I want, just watching portions. This is where I allow myself that dessert or nachos with cheese sauce.

Tuesday is meat day - I allow myself meat and veggies, but no carbs.

Wednesdays are "No-Fats" days. So, for me that means no cheese or salad dressing or potato chips.

Thursdays are soups. Probably will always be Chicken veggie!

Fridays are for a salad and liquids only, but I do get one treat on Friday nights, probably chocolate something! I also allow myself my home-made croutons and dressing.

Saturdays are all about juicing and Sundays are water only.

I think chips and my salsa will be allowed, but not on Sundays or Wednesdays.

The winner is based on percentage of loss. I can't imagine how much I'd have to lose in order to win.

Wish me LOSS!! I will keep updating my Biggest Loser Journey on my Food, Fasting and Movement aka exercise Journal .

Fireflies and summer evenings

2011-06-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

Google Image Firefly

When I was a younger - about 1989, there was a firefly caught in a spider web. My Mom and I were just coming home from Gramma Wille's. It was dusk. We pulled into the driveway to park and we noticed a firefly flashing away out of the corner of our eye. Upon further inspection, we noticed that the firefly was not moving, just flashing.

That's when we realized that the firefly was caught in a spider's web by the house. I totally freaked out. I wanted to save the firefly, but was extremely terrified of spiders. We went to look at the firefly and the web and noticed that the spider was coming out of hiding and heading straight towards the firefly!

I screamed, "Mom! We have to save the firefly! Kill the spider! She tried to tell me that the spider needed to eat, that this was nature at her ugliest. I didn't care! Mom plucked the firefly out of the web and squished the spider with her shoe. We took the firefly into the house.

We found a canning jar and some grass and put the firefly into the jar. He stayed there overnight and then the next day he looked GREAT!!! I'm guessing that he was able to get all of the spider gunk off of his wings because he was moving just fine. We released him the next night.

He crawled to the lip of the canning jar and stayed put for a moment. Mom and I thought that maybe he liked us and didn't want to leave. Then we thought maybe he was scared or thought it was a trap and we were going to be mean to him. At any rate, he did leave the jar and flew off. He flashed his little light right away and I knew he'd be alright.

From then on, Mom teased me about being part firefly. We wondered every year if he came back to flash his light at us.

Well, tonight, all these years later, Rick and I were in the back gathering the damp-again-evening load of laundry. Ricky noticed the fireflies before I did. They were all over our heads, gently floating around. Some landed on my hair, one landed on my arm and shoulder. I put my hand out and under a firefly floating past me and he landed on my outstretched hand. I wasn't the right girl for him, however, and he flew off - flashing his little light at me to say goodbye.

Ricky was totally impressed and said so over and over. I replied, "Well, you know... I am the Savior of Fireflies." and then we had to run inside because the mosquitoes were starting to feed!

Wisdom from a friend

2011-06-27T21:25:00.000-05:00

She told me: "You don't have to hang on honey. Let Him hold on to you." She told me that in response to this:

Mourning - it takes on a different viewpoint with each individual. For me, it's incredible sense of loneliness that cannot be overcome by myself.

Unfortunately, they (those that I need during this time) are no where near, where I'd like them to be.

I have an incredible need to be in close contact and conversation with those that I hold dear, but their world is silent towards me. I feel cold and alone. Inside me trepidation is growing stronger and stronger. Peace, calm, serenity and tranquility are in the fog of my tunnel vision. I am waiting for the breath of God to blow the fog and my mask far away.

Sometimes a friend only needs to listen for the healing to sprout.

All Natural Health Care - My gov't says not so.

2011-06-27T10:40:00.000-05:00

I use an herbal mix capsul and all natural progesterone cream for my endometriosis. It has been working great for over 5 years. My OBGYN is amazed that I didn't want and continue to NOT need modern medicine combined with surgery to remove my girl parts. He said I'm one for the books.

Now, just a few days ago, I tried to get my body cream from a small health food store - they can't carry it anymore!~ Why? Because the government said it is't regulated by the FDA so they are no longer allowed to sell it.

My complaint with this: The majority of the people have voted against a national health care system - so why does the government have the right to interfere in this instance. This is not a national health care item. I don't have a national health care plan. So why is the government taking away ANY body cream?

Also, if the government has said that the USA national health care plan will mimic that of Canada and Europe, why cannot I not get any body cream I want? In Canada and Europe they are allowed to purchase this item!

I guess I'm confused because my government is confusing me!!!!

I want to buy the body cream I want. I want the choice to go to the doctor or NOT. I want to drink the milk I want. I want to grow my garden with the seeds of my choice.

Land of the free, but with conditions. What the hell?! I don't think that's what my grandfathers and father fought for.

Delight in a beverage

2011-06-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

My son. My darling, wonderful son came up with a home-made coffee beverage concoction that sent me into coffee drinking utopian bliss.

Even the Pastor's daughter...... muwahahaaa!!! said, "This is sinful!!!!!", with a smile of delight on her face.

Good to the last drop!

The combination he came up with was Door Co. Gourmet Coffee - Peanut Butter Crunch with added flavoring of the Coffee House Inspirations Breve Creme, dark chocolate cream along with a small 'shot' of vanilla caramel cream.

I had mine over ice.

If you find the ingredients - or if you'd like your Door Co., Wisconsin blogger friend to send you a pack of the coffee.... :) Cheers!

A Filippino with .... shoes???

2011-06-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Yup! That's me!! I love shoes. I particularly like Converse shoes. High tops are great. Pink is awesome, but then I found this little plaid pair and fell in love. They are what I affectionately call, "Cheater Chuckies" because they are really Airwalks. But it doesn't matter. Shopko had a BOGO1/2off sale and I bought 3 pair. Hubby got the 4th.

Even my name tag at work --- made by one of my lovely co-workers, has a signature Converse shoe on them. This one actually!!!

So, yes, I have a love of shoes, but after all, I am Filippino!

Funeral Tomorrow 6-21-2011

2011-06-20T20:52:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Lola's funeral. I am sad that I cannot be there. I feel guilty for not being there. I'm experiencing a small pity-party because I cannot be there. I am embarrassed because I cannot be there. I'm angry. I am a plethoral of confusing emotions. I feel that I will regret not going.

I've tried to get a ticket that I could afford - not happening. I scraped together a little bit, but then the car went into the 'shop'. I could forgo the side of beef, but I need that meat for my family.

I know that my grandparents would rather I spent the money on a bill or on that side of beef, but that doesn't make me feel any better about missing out on Lola's funeral.

I wanted to drive out there Thursday already, but, like I said, the car is in the shop.

Then the little bit of money I did get together, while probably not enough, wouldn't have gotten me to the airport and back. Matt couldn't get pick me up once I got home, he has to work.

The whole thing just sucks. I hate being a child of divorce - where each family side lives 3,000 miles apart. Then I get all mad and bitter because they both went about their own way - continued with their own lives and left me here in Wisconsin. They don't even live near me anymore! Why the ...... I could go on and on, but it won't help me find my joyful center again. Going on and on, ranting and being bitter will only help me remain bitter. But I'm here and they are all there. They get to say goodbye. They get to be together. They get to mourn and laugh and cry with others that feel the same way. They get to look at the sympathy cards together - that they all received... and I'm here. Alone. No sympathy cards or phone calls. No one knows that my Lola is being buried tomorrow. I'm mourning alone. I hate that I'm alone here without my family for so many different functions and events in my life.

I try to be filled with peace, but right now, tonight, I'm not.

This is the way it is and I am happy here. I know I'm happier with my Mother in another state because, God knows I love her, but she is high maintenance. Emotional maintenance as well as physical maintenance. I know that, even though we built a room for him, my Dad will probably not come here to retire and live. He has his pride and doesn't want to be a burden on me - moreso on my husband. Little does he realize how much we could use his help in so many ways. I tell him, but I don't think he fully believes me.

God knows what is best. If I cannot live in the same State as my parents, then it's for the best. If I cannot travel 3,000 miles - twice, then there must be a good reason for that too. I have to trust in him.

Lola Mom is finally home.

2011-06-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

She is once again with Lolo Dad.

Carmen David Santos Lopez

Thank you for all you taught me.

Nice Day & Fun on the Job

2011-06-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

The weather was beautiful - we had a nice soft, drizzly rain all day. It was a real good 'soaker' - which we really needed. My rain barrels are full to the brim! I'm still saving my old dishwater for the outside plants though. The soap residue is good for the nasty plant pests.

I love my gardens and spent all day yesterday in them - and I spent all day praising the rain. Both of my Grampas were garden lovers. When I'm in my own gardens I think of my Grampas often - sometimes even talking with them. My conversations are VERY one-sided, but I like to think they can still hear me.

Fun on the job - well, the summer reading program had it's kickoff today. We had a bubbleologist come in for the entertainment. He was awesome! Lots of fun and he taught us how to make a square bubble... YES! It can be done! We had over 200 people come in for the program. Our total head count for the day was almost 600 people! Amazing day. I love my job, so it doesn't seem like a chore to go in.

Then I came home to warm supper waiting for me. I had made cheesy broccoli & rice soup late last night. Tonight, the guys had some warmed and ready for me to gobble up!

So, tonight I'm good and tired - and it's a good kind of tired!

Journaling thru my grief

2011-06-09T11:47:00.000-05:00

I had one more entry to my grief and mourning journal page. I thought I was done, but as we are preparing for Lola to pass, I found that I had something to say to my family. I hope it was an encouragement. Maybe it will encourage others. I don't want to stand out on a street corner and preach and bring glory to me - my prayers are for the Lord. I hope my journal helps someone.

D. o V. V.

2011-06-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

Daughters of Vietnam Veterans

Sgt. R. L.

Gotta love my Daddy!

I've been looking for a group like this for years. Finally, someone started one. She was looking also and decided to 'just do it'!! Anyway, I found DVV while searching for PTSD information for my Dad. Found lots of sites and information and even a facebook page!

Dad is doing better

2011-06-02T20:49:00.000-05:00

It seems that there was a mix-up of his many many meds. He went into the ER in good time. They got everything straightened out for him and just this morning he said he felt so much better.

Thank you everyone for any well wishes and/or prayers.